An Inconvenient Truth ...

Yes its true ... (pause) ... Mr.Watson poops in office !

No no, I am not saying, all around the office floor in a medically challenged way. I mean, he is no doubt a respected senior colleague. And I am not suggesting that it is like, one day you are in conference room with 10 people doing win-loss analysis for the last quarter and then suddenly he jumps on the table, squats and decides to have a go.

No ... Am not saying that (head shake)

What I am telling you however, is that he is one of those rare few who uses office toilet to take his first dump of the morning.

And this is how I know it - See, I am early bird and I like many others have a set routine. For the last 2 years I come to office early, setup my work desk and then go to the men's room to tidy up and wash the train journey off my hands. And every-time just as am done & right when the hand dryer is shutting down with that dying woosh sound, this uncanny welsh accent greets me; "Gud Mornin Brejash, Al well !!' and in the front mirror I see Mr.Watson coming out of the last loo cubicle, adjusting his belt ... Every Single Day

For the first few months I took it as a co-incidence & played along, generally replying along with my weird office laugh; "Morning Mr.Watson, I see you just completed your boss's appraisal !" or "Hey Mr.Watson, saving some water at home are we. ehh?" or some crap like that.

But with time I have noticed 'a' pattern and have arrived at the conclusion that there is a good chance that Mr.Watson construes the option of taking his first morning bowel movement in office Toilet as a job perk. Sad as it may be,, that is the truth.

Emotionally, for me, the realization was very disturbing.

Time although is a great healer and over the months I have sort of come to terms with the fact that I am the sole custodian of what perhaps is the most smelly of my office's secrets.

But what I can not deal with is - HIS UNFLINCHING OBSESSION OF SYNCHRONIZING HIS END OF SHOW TO MY WASHING OF HANDS !!!

That is Disgusting! Preposterous !! Gross !!! Bloody, some sort of a twisted fetish stunt that he is pulling on me !!!

I mean who does that to a colleague??

I swear I have started to get this creepy feeling that the last bit effort of his morning pleasure is now in some kinky way linked to the scent I wear and or the near perfect sound of me blow drying my hands.

It is as if he sits there waiting for me and on the days that I don't come to office he just refuses to come out !!

Freak !!! ... I feel so used ... So violated.

And all this for no obvious fault of mine.

I have been and to this day remain, a firm believer of Toilet karma. I know your Toilet sins have to be repaid in the same life. In a different Toilet maybe, yes, but definitely in the same life.

And I am sure that in my lifetime I have not wronged anyone in there, to deserve this.

I mean yes there was that one time when I did sprinkle my Vice President Mr.Seethi in the Mumbai Office. But that was different. And by any standards this is too harsh a punishment for an innocent mistake.

What?? .. O the sprinkle .. Ahh, well it was nothing .. Forget I said that .. A minor accident if you may.

.. Ok Ok, if you must know, it happened in Oct 2010.

Flashback ...

15th October 2010, Mumbai. That day, I was in an awesome mood for no obvious reasons. I had an amazing morning workout at Gym and came to office still listening to my iPOD.

I clearly remember it was our Mumbai office Toilet on Floor 6. I had gone to take a leak and standing next to me at the adjascent urinal was our Vice President, Mr.Seethi. It was one of those Toilets you know where the urinals do not have that partition in between. Not a uncommon feature in Men's Toilet if you ask me. 

Both of us were minding our own business. I was listening to music. My iPOD playing the last bit of Govinda and Salman Khan's "Soni De Nakhre" from the movie Partner. 

I went on to take my position, aimed right and then closed my eyes to let things take their own course and lost myself to the music. 

Everything was going fine and nothing could or should have gone wrong. I mean it is a well rehearsed routine perfected over the years. I can do it in my sleep. I mean, no I don't do it in my sleep,  but eh ... Its like .. I mean ... arrgggg, you know what I meant.

Anyways.

So everything was normal ... And then, 'it' happened ... All within a matter of seconds.

I was maybe fraction of a second into my 'act' - the iPOD was on full blast - then abruptly the current song playing ended - and almost instantly the track changed to 'Jalwa' from Salman Khan's movie Wanted - First Drum routine from the 'Jalwa' number hit me at full volume - The effect only magnified by my Bose headphones ...

Instantly, in that unpredictable and sudden turn of events, Mr Seethi's fate was sealed. 

Two things I learnt that day. One - you can not stop the flow just micro seconds into the act of peeing and Two - with the bigul & the drum rolls sequence in the first 15 seconds of the 'Jalwa' track you cannot stop your body from moving and your hips swaying all over the place.

Mr Seethi claims he did yell, to the extent of invoking my first family in a typical Delhi Punjabi style but I could not hear any of it over the music volume in my ears. I was in my zone. My trance, matched in intensity, only by the tranquility of a Buddhist monk.

Mr Seethi apparently had his career progression meeting with the CEO which he missed, having had to rush back home for change of pants & shoes.

.... End of Flashback

But that was then. Even then it was not as if I did it on purpose or have not already paid the price in my 2010-11 appraisals. I have since moved to a different office in my profession and a much higher level of restrain in personal life.

From my end I have long forgiven Mr.Seethi.

But without doubt what Mr.Watson is doing here, is wrong. I was scarred by Mr.Seethi incident for nearly 2 years and just as my life is returning to normalcy, he is again making me Coprophobic.

AUR YE, ACCEPTABLE NAHI HAI ...

I do not want to spend the rest of my Toilet life in an ever prevalent threat hanging on my head of me accidentally peeing all over a senior board member or instead end up getting molested myself by a serial Pooper.

When I visit the Toilet the next time, like every man and woman,  I have every right to look forward (without fear) -

To that quirky jittery sensation in the end of every-time I pee !!

(Disclaimer: Some names and locations appearing in the story may or may not have been changed to protect identity. The author cannot accept or deny the incidents that led to this work of literature. The author also solemnly refuses to bow down to HR pressure and be held accountable for expenses towards any shoes or trousers that may have been soiled in the making of this work of art. The story itself varies in authenticity from being a true representation of real life incidents to being a mere literary documentation of a bad dream which felt so real as if seen in full HD.)

(Acknowledgement: Mr.Watson for his poop punctuality that was the genesis of this article. Office cleaning staff for using miraculous room freshner which makes washroom accessible even post Mr.Watson. Mr.Seethi for his reluctance to deal with some moisture. And the countless amazingly mind numbing conference calls that push me to write rubbish pieces like this for release.)

The Fellowship of the Ring

A friend most dear to me got married last month. While like always I wished him the best, I was a little sad for two reasons. One, that I could not be with him on his special day and the other, that I could not timely convince him against his decision to get married in the first place.

But then I have made my peace with it. I have realized that what you cannot do is, stop IT department in your office from blocking torrents and soft porn. But what you can do is, be updated on tricks of evading URL and IP filters.

So the only practical thing I can do is to share with him wisdom from my experience vide this open letter. May this help him prepare for the struggle ahead.

For thats what marriage is .. Its a struggle ..  A war - A series of battles that need to be won, a field peppered with land-mines that need to be navigated without loosing a limb, a constant struggle of one up-man-ship (no pun intended). A game with you in & as Mario, where over the stages the developer intermittently keeps on taking away your powers to jump, fly and fire.

Girls prepare for it from day one. They pray for their prince charming to "be dressed in white and to come riding a horse". White representing wealth, prosperity and mild nature. Wealth that she'd splurge and calm so he wont snap back. Riding horse representing strength and chauvinism so he'd protect her and do chores for her. In no time however these chores, these acts of valor of saving her from danger and romancing her will take a dramatic u turn & become doing dishes & ironing clothes & cleaning up after babies.

As an extreme exception even if they do accept a lesser mortal, say a frog for a husband they do it with hidden malicious intent of kissing and turning him onto a "prince charming dressed in white and riding a horse". There is no risk in it for them as they'll nag him to death anyways if he doesn't become one.

We guys are different.

A man realizes the gravity of lifelong situation they he has gotten himself into only on the wedding day when he takes notice of the "carefully chosen words" in the two distinctly different sets of congratulatory messages being showered on him and his newly wedded bride.

To the bride they say; "Congratulations dear. You are looking beautiful" and to the groom; "Remember you are married now. One has to make lot of adjustments and compromises to make marriage work."

"WTF !!!"; you think. "I didn't sign up for this."

But by then its too late, there is no turning back now. The only graceful thing you can do is get on with it,

Still, you dont have to go unprepared. To give you a head start, here are some master strokes that you'll otherwise only learn with experience.

Wrong is right: More than "make" you need to be a master of "break". Let me explain. There would be times when you'll hear; "Baby, can you prepare the tea today.", "Listen ... am not feeling like cooking or eating out. Can you please make something for me honey?", "Have an early morning meeting tomorrow, can you do the dishes today ... pleeeease".

What do you do in such scenarios? You can't say no. Remember, you "vowed" to support her in all walks of life. So you go ahead and do it for that one time. But here is what you can do to ensure you don't have to do it ever again. Make Tea, but ensure she pukes at first taste, prepare elaborate meal but burn the chapatis and make gravy taste like feet, Do the dished but break the bowl her mother gifted.

Forgive but never forget: Love in marriage is overrated. Count is what matters.The key to successful marriage for a guy is to keep track of times when her lady love goofs up. So when you screw up, and screw up you will, you can throw in her face the magnanimity you showed on her last debacle. Keep a tracker and hide it beneath your dirty underwear if you may.

Hone up your stage skills: You need to master the art to pretend sleep and read signs of a pretend sleeper. The former you'll need early morning to win the game of - 'How to get her to prepare morning tea" and the later skill would come handy for you in the other end of the day [wink .. wink]

Generosity is the key: Get and do what you want. But be man enough to first make her believe its her decision. 

On the bright side my dear friend, now that you are married you'll be able to relate with LOTR at a whole new level. Next time when you do a LOTR marathon and at the end of his three movie long ordeal see a bruised, tired, bleeding, dying Frodo just about to throw his precious in the molten lava, you'll instinctively look at your own wedding ring and think - - - - "That lucky bastard."

I would have loved to share more, but am getting the feeling that the ever watchful eye of Sauron is casting her gaze on me.

So I'll sign off, but you - Be Safe, you are married now !!

Thanks Meenu Kalra, this time for VIAGRA !!

Open Letter of thanks to Ms.Meenu Kaur Kalra

How should I thank all you men & women who over the years, by intruding my inbox, have helped me to pick the best holiday, not miss a paid seminar, opt for the best insurance scheme, buy the best property in chincpokli, alerted me from drinking Pepsi-Coke-Juices-Alcohol or water and largely for keeping me in best of health by sharing info on best of medicine that i don't need.

Just today you, Ms.Meenu Kalra (mkaurkalra@gmail.com) landed in my inbox, helping me with all the information on generic Viagra, containing Sildenafil Citrate, which enables men with erectile dysfunction to sustainably beat nature for prolonged period. In your mail you go on to tell me that since it became available, Viagra has been single biggest support for avoiding unwarranted lack of enthusiasm.

How your kind self assumed, that I would be the perfect buyer for you (no pun intended) remains a mystry but I would like to thank you for the brochure your shared. I was rather amused by the names on the colorful pills which in my understanding are all but means to attain the same stiff ... err ... stuff.

Anyways if anything your mail did offer me a few smiles. Thanks for that and please do read on.

Dear Sender, I will be Out of Office …

Well you may have often come across people working in MNCs, complaining about their hectic lifestyle, whining about the odd working hours or moaning about those oddly timed conference calls running past midnight. They make their work life look like hell as if each workday they go to office and are made to watch CSI, CSI Miami, CSI NY and C.I.D back to back all day long. Let me tell you the truth. They are all liars … Ah, well most of them are.

Well yes, the life working in an Organization with work interests spread across continents and time zones can be hard but only if you are not smart enough about what you position yourself into. Under the projected back breaking work schedule and the false facade of rough life what such companies offer you is a rare opportunity for those who can find it - to make their work calendar look sexier than Madhuri & Vinod Khanna’s kiss in Dayawan.  

Lost ?? Eh, Let me illustrate.

Over the next few pictures I will impart wisdom that you’ve never been exposed to and will enlighten you to attain nirvana in this very life if you can find the right company, the right profile and the right location.

The main and only trick is -- TO HAVE YOUR BOSS IN A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE !!

That scenario my friends, is the holy grail of the superior-subordinate relationship, the epitome of work satisfaction and that actually is the very life that Sri Sri Ravi Shankar tries to take you to through the ‘Art of Living’ – the life without any stress, worry or anxiety !!

PS: Expecting your boss’s boss to be in a third time zone all together would in all honesty be an overkill, but if you can find it, it would be like having multiple orgasms without you even being a part of love making. But then I must caution you. Over the ages, millions of mortal cubicle dwellers have ruined their lives & careers in search of such a highly improbable scenario … its like … its like a Yeti or a Big Foot, we know its possible & out there, but then who has seen it ??? ... Sigh!

Anyways, Lets Begin:

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real person, living (in London, working at Old Bailey for a company starting with T and with his bosses in India) or dead, is purely coincidental.

Imagine if you may, yourself to be a Data Center Product Manager working in UK, supporting the regions of UK, APAC, India & US with his bosses are in India.

Here’s what the individual public holiday calendars for India, Singapore, UK and US look like for 2012:

Now the fun is not in the Individual calendars, but is in the fact that your total non-working days would be a carefully drawn superset in the composite view diagram of the above four calendars. The non-working days superset thus would be a superimposition of these 4 calendars into one whilst being governed by the following hypothesis: You would not be working if (#1) your region is off, (#2) region you are supporting is off and (#3) your boss’s region is off.

However extending the hypothesis (#3) to your boss, your boss would not be working when your boss’s  boss’s region is off. So we add one more hypothesis of not working as when (#4) your boss’s boss’s region is off.

Now if you combine the 4 calendars along with the above hypothesis into one superset, here’s what you get … Taaadaaaaa  !!!

137 days of blissful holidays …

But, Did I say I was done? … No I am not.

What we have missed is, that the darling that such Companies are they would also offer you 20-25 annual paid leaves and about 10-12 Sick leaves. So why don’t we throw them in the mix and see what it does … Whoa !!!

 

… 205 holidays !!! Looks beautiful isnt it …

But hey, Did I say I was done yet ? … Well, No I am not.

We all know what weekends mean to us. “But you have already included sat-sun in the above holidays”; you’ll say. Yes I have but here’s what you missed. The day that brings it all – Friday !!

That my friends, along with the fact that whether or not your bosses in India likes it, the earth would always spin about its axis. So every Friday it would already be past mid day his day in India when you get up & ready to hit work in UK. His weekend would already be knocking on his door. And then you would already be drawn into the weekend mode past mid-day your day by the time US gets up & ready to work. So in all there’s hardly anything that you’ll accomplish on a Friday. So why don’t we be practical and throw them in too …

So you’ve got to work 112 days a year.

Something does not seem right?

O yes, when we are adding the Fridays, how can we forget the regional holidays … Haan ??

Counting regional holidays & election days for India alone can change the above equation dramatically. Before I stopped keeping count, India had  28 states and 7 union territories and we go to elections more frequently that we celebrate Diwali !! And its not just India that will give you these unexpected off days.United Kingdom for example is not due anytime soon to increase the IQ of an average Brit, to become more than slow stammering 5 year old. So you can always expect this country to come dancing on streets, united in their looniness, every time a prince gets married OR a queen completes yet another decade of rule OR every time the British supreme court lifts the super-injunction off a football legend, thus making it legal for media to publically share pics/videos/tweets of his infidelity with his <insert one of the following> (brother’s/friend’s/captain’s/teammate’s/neighbor’s) <insert one of the following> (Wife/Fiancé/Sister/Mother/Brother(??)).

Am telling you even by a modest guesstimate of 30 off days a year against this bracket including all regions wont be a overkill. So here’s what you are left with:

So my friends in all you have about 290 holidays and a total of 76 working days … 76 !!

That’s like 7 days per month !!! Those late night conference call with US are suddenly not looking that bad, eh ??

But then, did I say I was done yet? … Well, No as a matter of fact I am not.

Now while the above work calendar already looks better than the best front foot cover drive that ever came out from Tendulkar's bat, there’s still more.

See, my dear statistics believing friends, probability tells us that there is no chance that the 25 annual leaves and 12 Sick leaves of yours that you have mapped on the above superset would sync perfectly to a similar calendar of your boss and your boss’s boss when they map their annual leaves & sick leaves on to their respective supersets. So their would be a maximum of 37 leave days of your boss’s boss when your boss would be not-working and another maximum of 37 leave days  of your boss when your boss would not be working.

Lost??

Leave it, all am saying is that by extension a maximum of 74 additional days Days can be added to hypothesis (#3).

Even if you take a modest view and include just 15 – 20% of the above to convert as holidays, it would give like a total of 52 days to work in a year.

ONLY 52 WORKING DAYS PER YEAR !!!

That’s, That’s like 1 days per week !!!!  < wink .. wink :) >

Do I even need to share a pic for that view ??

Well, now while penning this article 2 months ahead of my annual appraisal in March may not have been the smartest thing I have done off late, but it sure has been liberating. So while am at it, let me also say what am going to say now - If you thought that I was done and you would definitely need to work for at least 54 days a year … you most certainly don’t deserve this position.

See for any MBA graduate worth his salt - to make 1 excuse per week to not to come to office,,, is what an upper cut is to Sehwag or what head butting is to Zidane .. It their natural instinct.

So all am saying is that if you have it in you to make 1 excuse per week, you’ve have got a job at hand that will give you the one thing, that William Wallace died fighting for all his life – FREEDOM !!!

But please o please do be innovative in those last minute frantic calls to your boss. Explore your mind and you can easily avoid the clichéd ‘not-well’, ‘struck in traffic jam’ or ‘death in family’, to come up with gems of excuses that will become case studies for generations to come.

Illustrated Example: Monday morning 9:15 AM, just when you know your boss is about to inquire reason of your being offline from office communicator, you call him; “Hey chief, I wont be going to office today, the wireless broadband guy is coming in to troubleshoot … helloooo … hellooo … hey, droping signal in lift … hellooo … <Click. Disconnect>”. Now if you’ll carefully observe, what you’ve done is that in a stoke of genius you’ve not only delivered a master excuse to not turn up in office for the day (any boss would shudder at the possibility of you not having internet at home) but also subtly mentioned that you would not even be working from home for that day (its the wireless broadband that is not working remember !!).

I have more of these masterstrokes but that calls for a separate post altogether.       

Anyways,  now before I end let me tell you I am looking to hire someone in Singapore. Remember, I am in UK and my boss is in India .. Send me your resumes if you’re interested !!!

How do I look ??

No no, relax,, I am not seeking your honest opinion on my personality. I do know that, that wont be the best of starts for a new year for any one of us. This my friends is more about this perennial question itself. A question that you may have come across many a times in different shapes & forms. On the onset it looks like a simple query, harmless, innocent to the extent of being a drag. But don’t be fooled by its cunning disguise, this question my fellow brethren from mars is the single most cunningly disguised plan against all the male species on earth.

The plot is deep, the plot old and the plan is bloody fail proof. See the one rule that Jesus, Allah, Ram, Nanak or the one God in the form & shape that you know him gave to mankind was that if you lie even once in life for your own good you would have no place in paradise in the afterlife. Men heard it and just nodded their heads, ‘That’s ok dude what else’ they said, the women however gave it a thought, rolled their eyes, took their time and came up with the impregnable question for their men - - - -  How do I look?

It a bloody ruthless trap. And if you are a man then you would know better that it is tirelessly thrown at you again and again until you fall for it. No one in the history of mankind can claim not to have never been a victim of this perfect crime irrespective of what you may have replied. And its not just the answer that will tear off your ticket to heaven. Its the way you say it, the speed with with you respond, body language, positioning of eyes, shaking of our earlobes and whatnot …. Do what you may, reason to doom you would somehow appear. Sometimes for example it may be your act. For example am pretty sure that to start with it was Eve who ate the forbidden apple first and then when she knew she was dammed she tossed another apple to Adam, came out from behind the bush and spoke in a low husky voice - - - How do I look? …… Apple did not get the man, the question did, and rest as they say is a story.

Anyways, while each man is responsible and mostly solo witness to his own doomed fate on answering this ill fated query, there is one place where the response becomes public, and the humiliation is to be shared with an audience ….. Outside the fitting rooms in shopping malls !!!

If an angel dies ever time a person lies, then the sale period around holidays is a bloody plague season for them,, waiting area outside the fitting rooms their graveyard and poor unsuspecting husbands & boyfriends their death daemons. Nowhere else in the world can you see an army of otherwise righteous, god-fearing and pious looking gentlemen lying through his teeth in series one after the other …. If you are telling me you have spoken nothing but the truth standing at that place, you’ve just killed another angel.

The sad part of it is that you cant help it … Lets me take you to a sample store with a nice sale offer on a warm sunny day …

Men accompanied with their chosen ones come in the shops with their happiness in their eyes, spring in their feet, songs on their lips, money in their wallets and moods high in anticipation of something they would be able to get for themselves. Little do these unsuspecting poor sacrificial lambs know that all of these would be snatched away from them by the ill fated finger of not fate but the damsels whom they themselves selected. (PS: Thats the bitch of it!)

Anyways their high spirits are soon dampened with their better turned bitter halves parading them through the female section of the shop floor tirelessly hunting for gold in the long line of clothes that the store has put on display for the single reason of they having not been able to sell that crap through the season. Oxymoron as it may sound, almost always most of these damsels are able find their perfect dream dresses in that heap of otherwise season long discards.

 

And after hours of this mad frenzy of rushing from one aisle to another, mentally mapping the aisles to be attacked in priority, almost snatching of clothes from other shoppers, comes the dreaded walk to the one area in the shop that is every man’s worst nightmares – The Fitting Rooms !! <add doomsday music>. By now the shopping spirits of majority of the men is already broken and they are reduced to mere slaves of the finger motion and eyes contact of their women. The unending wait outside the fitting rooms would do the trick, for the last few remaining ones who still see light at the end of men’s section tunnel.

As a new couple approaches the waiting area of the fitting room, quick glances are exchanged. The waiting men do a quick scan of the new cat and her kill. They act as one big clan in analyzing the couple and the common feeling towards the approaching man varies from sympathy to hatred depending on how many garments for trial his lady is carrying. The one with his woman carrying most trial garments gains the highest position in the clan with special privileges like right to sit in the few available seating spots in the waiting area and ignorance by other members of the clan at large to his leeching looks at others wives. He can be spared a murder, for the sheer torture he is in for. Such an empathy from this group towards a man walking in with his wife carrying say more than 20 garments matches in intensity only to the common grief & sympathy towards a husband hosting condolence on the untimely demise of his newly wed wife.

Quietly the newcomer joins the clan at his level of hierarchy and waits patiently for the missus to come out and look at him with just one question in her eyes. No words are generally spoken at this point but the letters in her eyes convey a loud and clear – HOW DO I LOOK? And this cycle goes on. This is but the price you have to pay to be in a relationship. Painful as it may sound it also brings some happiness to men. Puzzled? Well marriages or relationships may directly bring any evident happiness for a man but only when one is in it, does he realize how petty all his earlier issues & pains were. Only then can he truly experience glimpses of happiness, even if that is in his nostalgia of his such untroubled past.

Waiting in that dreaded area, looking at others as these thoughts cross your mind, almost always there suddenly appears this intriguingly dressed lady of waist size 48 and bust size 52, who has somehow managed to get herself into a 32’’ waist dress. As she comes out all eyes scan the waiting area, other men looking around more eagerly than her, trying to find the poor husband who would be in direct line of damage of this hurricane. Not coz they empathize with him, but so that the pain & suffering in his eyes can act as a soothing balm on their own. Weird, GOD gives you pain and miseries but if you are a true believer he also gives you means to ease your pain by bringing in your sight others whose pains out measures yours … Who are we to question his ways.

Anyways this massacre of male emotions goes on every single day in every single store. Only faces change.

Men come and men go,,, and then there are those men who stay behind at these waiting areas of the fitting room, long after their wives have gone to billing counter,, wait showing on their faces, their eyes pasted at the fitting room door, eagerly waiting for the appearance of the blonde who went in to try the minis ………

BCCI to appoint an injury excuse coach!

New Delhi: Following news of rifts within in the Indian test squad over allocation of injury excuses to opt out of the depressing series, BCCI has finally decided to hire a coach to train the star players on how to come up with innovative excuses to pull out of any ill-fated series with possibly humiliating result in store or for when they are trying to save their mojo only for the money minting IPL.

According to sources with direct access to dressing room, the trouble started when the two Delhi batsmen raced with their announcements to beat the rest of the team in citing Concussion & Shoulder Injury to opt of the the remainder of the ongoing England Vs Dravid series.

Manmohan Singh joins team Anna in the ongoing protest against the Prime Minister!

New Delhi: In quite a dramatic turn of events Prime Minister Manmohan Singh left one & all guessing, when he switched sides and joined team Anna in the ongoing protest against the government and the Prime Minister.

In a masterstroke he changed the game on its head when he went on to blast the government & the prime minister over the decision to detain Anna and his supporters. Saying that the arrests were nothing but a reflection of the mental bankruptcy of the Congress, the government & prime minister himself and were a blatant attack on the democratic fabric of the society, he went on to add that the prime minister has some serious questions to answer,, paying no heed to the minor detail that he himself was him.

Speaking to the press he said his decision was influenced by, his own voice of reason, strong public support on Anna’s side and rumors that Katrina may be making an appearance this week to support the protest against Lokpal bill.

BCCI to field Shashank Manohar as the second opening batsman in the 4th & final test at Oval

London: In a historic move the national cricket selection committee announced to field BCCI president Shashank Manohar as the new opening batsmen to come out with Gautam Gambhir in the fourth & final test at the Oval in the ongoing India tour of England. Mr.Manohar would be replacing Virender Sehwag.

Breaking the news in a specially called in press conference, the beaming national selection committee chairman, Krish Srikant said it was a well thought out counter strategy to preempt the excessive homework that English bowlers have done & the plan their think-tank has come up with to expose the weak point of our great batting line up and nip it in the bud.

If this does not motivate the sales force, I don’t know what will ..

Today I thought of returning back to writing and while I was yet undecided on whether I want to write about work, life, my experiences in a new city or a making news post, I came across this VERY REAL news in one of London’s most circulated free daily business papers.  Well there are ways & techniques of motivating your men and their are ways of motivating your men, but if Hitler could have come up with such well planned incentive scheme, world would be a different place.

Wankhede stadium refuses to host any games not involving Marathi Manoos

Mumbai: In a dramatic turn of events, just when cricket fans across the globe were beginning to rest their fears of Wankhede stadium not being ready in time for the world cup, post reassuring presence of Union Agriculture Minister and International Cricket Council president Sharad Pawar at the stadium, Wankhede stadium refused to make itself ready to host any match involving Non-Marathi Manoos on its soil. Citing Vinod Kambli’s and Romesh Pawar’s omission from the national world cup squad as one of the many prominent reasons for its stands, the stadium politely but sternly voiced its non-cooperation to hold any match that has less than 16 of the playing 22 as non-marathi outsiders. ‘Thats just a 75% reservation we are talking about leaving enough space for others and BCCI & ICC should consider it if they want to hold any world cup matches on my chest’ stadium said addressing the media. With BCCI president Shashank Manohar’s reasonably valid argument; ‘How the @#$% is than even possible in a Canada Vs New Zealand and New Zealand Vs Sri Lanka Match?’ falling on deaf ears, the fate the two mentioned world cup league matches scheduled at Wankhede is uncertain.

When contracted, sources known to be close to Wankhede confirmed that though there are many reasons for this extreme step but most recently a North Indian rookie Virender Sehwag running out marathi mulga Sachin Bhau and then himself going on make 175 runs in the world cup openor just tipped the boat. Stadium itself went on record to say ‘Disat Naahi Kaa, the fact that the 175 run record was earlier also held by a North Indian Kapil Dev with questionable English skills, only add to my argument of the suppression of Marathi manoos for years.’

Virender Sehwag’s mother when contacted expressed her sadness on this entire episode in the world cup opener and requested cricket fans across the country not to read too much into the run out. On record she said; “Arre wo to chote se aisa hi hai, moodi,, jab man nahi hoga to viruuu viruuuu bulate raho peeche se, wo sunega hi nahi.*smiles* Ho gayi hogi koi baat Sachin aur us ke beech mein match se pehle, bas nahi bhaga wo.*laughs* Shararati kahin ka.” 

The acute stand from the stadium however has triggered sharp reactions from all wakes of life.

BJP spokesperson releasing a official press statement said; ‘We demand a Joint Parliamentary Probe (JPC) into why Wankhede was alloted the games at the first place without a proper debate in the parliament. According to rough calculations by our honorable senior party member and leader of opposition in Rajya Sabha Mr.Arun Jaitly it has caused a loss of Rs.200,000 cr. to the national exchequer”. When contacted Arun Jaitly just said a concise ‘PM is weak’ and ‘We are doing great work in Gujarat’

Uma Bharti & Sushma Swaraj when told of the sad stand of the stadium, took an oath to cut all their hairs if their brethrens from Canada, New Zealand and Srilanka were not allowed to play at Wankhede for the league matches. Repeated queries from our end failed to get more clarity on - hairs on what part of the body were they was talking about, if they would cut each other hairs in public and how the @#$% are Canadians, Kiwis and Lankans their brethren.

Manoj Bajpayee when contacted just said; “Karara Jawaab Milega!”. Why he was contacted at the first place is being investigated.

Amar Singh labeled the incident as a sad mark in the history of the game in India. Through our reporter he issued a open request to the stadium; ‘Dear Wankhede, if you have anything against the north Indians why don’t you act in mature & reasonable way and just beat up some bihari Taxi drivers & get it over with? What is the point in holding an entire nation to ransom?’ Various Sena’s in Mumbai have welcomed this solution from Amar Sigh and offered their services to Wankhede Stadium for this cause.

Lalit Modi has offered to move the matches to South Africa. He also offered his expertise to arrange the same in a day.

Prime Minister’s office has maintained a dogged silence on the issue, but when repeatedly probed by journalists the PM did say this; “I swear, I had no clue on what A.Raja was doing.”

Final comments from Stadium were awaited when we went to press.

In a totally unrelated incident, Kasab’s death sentence was upheld by the court. Kasab however said he would be contesting the judgment in a higher court. He confirmed the reports that he has enrolled in Indira Gandhi Open University for ‘patrachaar’ course in BA LLB and is confident of getting a law degree and fighting his own case in supreme court before there is any consensus in India to hang him. On his confinement to Anda cell he said health, hygiene, food and other conditions there are much better than that at his home in the Faridkot village in Okara District of Punjab, Pakistan and he is looking forward to meet a ‘Raja’ when his case goes to Delhi.

Photo Source: Its Pawar standing there, trying to do a SRK. Do u really care | News Source: Would have told but you already know where this came from. Right!

Consistent Bachchan

Ram Gopal Varma once said this man’s a better actor than his father Amitabh Bachchan. But then Ram Gopal verma also said that ‘Raam gopal verma ki Aag’ was a true tribute to Sholay and that he had no ulterior motive in giving 5 back to back movies to Priyanka Kothari. So lets leave that shmuck aside. Lets about the man himself - Abhishek Bacchan. He's dubbed the Crown Prince of Bollywood. Son of screen legend Amitbah Bachchan, Abhishek has emerged as a major star in his own right and more importantly in his own space, which happens to be right there at the very bottom. Educated in Switzerland and the United States, he entered into acting in his early 20s, and the only known acclaim that he has till date is marrying his wife Aishwarya all on his own.

Small B goes candid with our correspondent from Making News Networks, as he talks about life, gols, squares and straight lines.

MNN: Hello Sir, thanks for accommodating us in your busy schedule.

AB: No No .. No problem at all. Time is all I have .. Well actually a lot of people have that confusion. You see what happens is that on seeing me with dad, mom, Aish, Amarsingh etc people absent mindedly associate a picture of busy schedule with me .. But all I can say is, don’t trust all that you see.

MNN: All right then. To start with, please accept heartiest congratulations from our whole team & entire nation on yet another flop.

AB: Thanks you. What can I say, GOD has been kind.

MNN: So would you like to tell us something about ‘Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Se’. You were very tensed before the release. So how was the entire experience.

AB: O Yes Yes, I was very tensed. You see with my last movie ‘Raavan’ I had a narrow escape. With people line Mani Ratnam, Aishwarya, Vikram and AR Rehman associated with ‘Raavan’ the kind of hype that movie got before release, we were scared to death that it might become a hit. But I guess my past lives good works paid off and it tanked .. It was difficult but we achieved it as a team .. I mean did you even look what we were up against - the budget, people, locations, music, I mean it was so easy to loose focus and give a blockbuster .. But I must give credit to my and my wife’s dedication to lifeless acting that we were able to pull off a flop from those ingredients. From outside it may appear easy but when you have a image to maintain, you have to be totally involved.

MNN: hmm you were saying about ‘Khelien hum..’

AB: Ya post ‘Raavan’ near death experiance, with ‘Khelien hum ..’ we didn’t want to take any chances hence we got Ashutosh Gowarikar as the director. With him around, I mean you can be 50% sure that the final product would be crap. I mean look at his face with that constant ‘I just smelled my own boxers’ look, that alone is good enough to shoo people away from the theater. With ‘Khelien hum ..’ I am sure he has conclusively proven as to who between him & Aamir directed most of ‘Lagaan’ and that if you have have see Ashutosh’s real work you have to watch ‘What’s my Rashee’ and ‘Khelien hum ..’.

MNN: Ok so with Ashutosh around you were relaxed that final movie would be a dud.

AB: No No. Like I said, after Raavan I did not want to take any chances hence after Ashutosh as director we signed Deepika as the female lead .. That sealed it .. I mean the chic is a genius. See to start with, anatomically she barely qualifies as a female lead, you know like waist up & all. And even if you overlook that fact, its almost impossible to get her to act. I mean calling her a female Arjun Rampal would be an understatement. So ya with Ashutosh & Deepika in, I was sure this would be yet another big flop for me .. *looses himself in a trance, then smiles* .. Dad would be proud of me !

MNN: Hmm good planning I must admit. So Abhishek tell our readers, were you always clear that you wanted to become the flop superstar. Did being Amitji & Jaya’s son (that is when we are carrying on with the assumption that you are) not bother you?

AB: I won’t say that this is what I planned when I entered the Industry or it was easy. But it seems everything kept falling in place .. Like I always say, GOD has been kind .. You see from my school days itself am a big fan of zero. The roundness of that shape always fascinated me. Speaking of my liking for roundness, it was only apt that I started my career with Kareena. And I am speaking of that time only when she was most round at all possible places, then of course she spoilt it all but that too with that zero figure n all. So zero kept popping up in my life. Also biggest of them all, looking at my acting skills my first director JP Dutta predicted, that that (zero) was the amount I should consistently see on my paycheck if were to be evaluated on my acting skills .. So point is that the attraction with zero or the bottom was always there and there were enough hints.

MNN: But now that you have mentioned Kareena & JP, ‘Refuge’ did do a decent business. In fact it got you nominated for the best male debut Filmfare.

AB: *Laughs* .. O ya that ! .. Dad I tell you! he always surprises me with such gifts .. But then the good thing about my family is their maturity. When I told Bacchan Sab & Mom that look lets accept it, you have seen me, you’ve seem women I have dated, you have seen my school grades and you have also seen my acting. There is no way I can follow dad and achieve same or more than what he has achieved. So wht don’t I become the Big B of anti-universe and we will have a winner for all worlds right at home. I told them about my dream of being the unprecedented flop superstar of the century, and they were totally supportive. And from there I worked really hard to achieve what I wanted. And it reflects in my work. You see ‘Dhai Akshar Prem Ke’, ‘Tera Jadoo Chal Gaya’, ‘Haan Mene Bhi Pyaar Kiya hai’, ‘Main Prem Ki Deewani hun’, ‘Mumbai Se Aya Mera Dost’ etc they all broke record after record for lowest grosser.

In fact the first real career high moment I achieved was with ‘Naach’. Story goes on first day of the release, Raam Charan shukla the Reel operator at Imax cinemas was allegedly the only one who saw or had to see the first show as he was the one playing it. And then when the Imax management was forcing him to play the second show of ‘Nach’, he allegedly unrolled the film roll from the cassette and hanged himself with the same .. *Silence* .. Well I was touched by the gesture .. It was post that incident that I realized that I had it in me and have been confident of myself since then.

MNN: Ok

AB: Ya I mean when someone shows that kind of confidence in you, you get motivated to work harder. In fact I followed up ‘Naach’ with, ‘Mumbai se Aaya Mera Dost’, ‘Sharaarat’, ‘Phir milenge’ etc. Well I can say that I am satisfied with what I have not achieved.

MNN: Hmm so what went wrong with ‘Bunty Aur Bubly’, ‘Bluff Master’, ‘Sarkar’

AB: Bad choices I would say. But my conscience is clear. Even if you see these movies once you’d know they have been hit due to factors beyond me. I tried hard with my abysmal acting, but you can’t do much when a energetic Rani Mukharjee in Bunty, a winning script in Bluff and my own Dad in Sarkar thwart your effort and make the movie work. It was embarrassing. But what to do. Who said life was bed of roses.

MNN: Who said?

AB: Who said what?

MNN: Who said life was a bed of roses?

AB: I don’t know

MNN: But you said who said?

AB: O that was a rhetorical question.

MNN: Anyways .. bigger thing is we still see you as a hopeless star and refuse to watch any of your movies.

AB: What can I say, I am what I am because of my fans.. Or lack of them.

MNN: So AB would you like to talk on you marriage.

AB: Ya Ya that. Aish was a conscious effort on my part. You see I have been always accused of having the benefit of the having the parents I have. I mean people are mean enuf to say that you had no role whatsoever in your having those parents and I should have some sort of guilt in riding on their good names. So marrying Aish was a slap in their face of my detractors. I mean she is all my effort right. My initiative my work. So now I can leach on her celebrity status for the rest of my life but no one can accuse me that she just fell in my lap. I watered that plant and am now reaping the benefits.

MNN: How have people accepted your marriage?

AB: See I don’t care. I have got on my bed what they had got on their bedroom walls in posters. They should learn to respect me.

MNN: Great .. So any more goals that you have set for yourself in future.

AB: Ya, sometime in future I would like to see at least one, one of my producers shoot himself in the head on first day of release. Am working on it. Only if GOD remains kind I shall see that happen. Do pray for me.

MNN: Amen, we can see you seeing that day. Thanks so much for talking to us. Now if you’ll excuse me, at least I have a life. Thanks & Bye

Photo Source: Do you care? For this.Really?? | News Source: Would have told but you already know where this came from. Right!

Vivek’s marriage is over !

30 October 2010. Yes you heard it right. Believe it or not, while you were sleeping last night the marriage of Vivek Obeys-Rai & Priyanka Halva got over successfully. It was a pretty low key affair with only close relatives & family participated. Truth be told even some important family member’s were missing and there were hired security personnel deployed at all exits to prevent those present from leaving early. Nonetheless the marriage did finally happen. There were varied reactions from friends & fans. The ‘Prince’ club formed by those unfortunate few who saw the movie at theaters during the 1 ½ day it ran on screens across country had a mild celebration and distributed sweets. When contacted the secretary said and we quote – “No no we don’t give a damm that he got married, we are only excited that now that some lady has voluntarily chosen to see the man’s face for major portion of the day his publicity urge may satiate and he may restrain from doing more movies.”

Break in the News.

If you like subtle humor, present day news is not your fodder.

They may be unintentional but they are so obvious on your face, the ha-ha boom kind.

Well there was a time (remember an extinct species - Door Darshan? [link]) when we had proper English speaking news anchors who maintained the same expressionless face whether reporting the news of India completing a successful moon mission or that of our president dying.

Their lips moved to vomit out written text but their face had a constant - ‘We don't give a tiny rat’s ass.’ look. Yet, their impassive and impersonal act of news-reading, on retrospect, is in my opinion a better approach to news anchoring than the impassionate, highly personal and uninhibitedly theatrical modern day newscasters now.

Back then we had news readers and now we have news anchors. (The Job title shit .. umm sorry, shift says it all)

What Men Want !

You may have seen the celluloid version of the other half of  this story on screen where Mel Gibson took us though the complex thought process of the "better half" of the society. Did it ever cross your mind as to why Nancy Mayor did not opt to make ‘What Men Want’ ? Well, if you give it a thought - she would have told the answer i.e ‘Sex’ in say 5 mins – there is nothing else in the male mind to fill up for the rest 80 odd mins of the movie.

So friends, the inability of this topic to make it to the 70mm screen is pretty much the genesis of this post. [PS: Parental guidance advised before reading on.] Well in the full story, what I am trying to do it to make you understand what men want & why men want what they want and also clear a bit of smoke from the ‘Women from Venus’ myth.

A Tribute to GOD himself – Aeeee Salaaaaa Prabhuji !

This is for all my GenX friends or to ‘Youngistan’ (a term which a out of place looking 50+ Sanjay Dutt & a under ripe Ranbeer Kapoor tried to promote without much success). So, my friends with a heightened sense of selection, who were too snobbish to dismiss courageous attempts at creativity like Rann, Houseful, Wanted, Badmash Company, Kites …. etc as a not noteworthy & Deepika Padokonish feeble shot at movie making - Am outraged on your thinking (well to be honest not as outraged as Rakhi Sawant was when Mikka went too far while checking her Lipstick flavor), so lets rephrase that am upset when such Bollyflicks are equated to an eventuality of an attempted remake of Titanic with KRK & Himesh R as lead. (Depending on the adventurous abilities of your mind you may assume at either of them at the leading end of the mast). Well don’t get me wrong I hate them too but for totally different reasons. Reason simple enough that they dont even come close to my Prabhuji. 

What? Who Prabhuji ??? Well if you really don't know your existence on planet earth till now does not have any meaning? But for now plead mercy for your sins and read on.