Sunday, September 11, 2011

The enigmatic relation between Sunday & a man’s haircut

Have you ever wondered why more often than not you go for an haircut on a Sunday? One fine day, while getting ready for work out of nowhere you take notice that your hairs need mending. What do you do? You automatically almost in a predefined mechanized chain of reactions triggered by that realization take a mental note and more often than not set aside 1 hour with your barber the coming Sunday. Right? Well if you do that, you must know you are not alone. Coincidence ??

No not exactly my friend. See as an Indian man’s mind has been trained to associate a haircut with a Sunday. Its a natural reflex action almost like doing ‘ummm’ when the waiter brings the hot sizzling sizzler to your table or clicking a mental picture whenever any hot lady passes by. You can’t help it. Believe it of not but your mind has been programmed for life and remains totally unaffected by the otherwise assumed mental growth with age. And like a trained chimp you follow that routine through your life. Not just that you also almost unknowingly imbibe that mechanized habit in your next generation. 

Let’s figure out why.

Well let’s for while go back in time to when you were 10-12yrs old. Remember those lazy Sunday afternoons when your dad post being hounded by your mother for the entire morning (like that documentary lion who after being constantly bugged by that odd little fly in his ear is forced to wake up and find a new place to sleep) would hold your hand and walk you to the neighborhood barber shop to execute mom’s concise yet clear instructions, to try & get you back to look like ‘insaan’ (loosely translated as ‘Human’)

Albeit the last comment may well have been just my case. You see yours truly has always a man of his own style. I am a firm believer of ‘Bigger the better’ (no pun intended) and even as a kid, liked growing my hair long, with long locks falling down, covering my ears on the sides and curled at the bottom la’ Rajesh Khanna .. A style my mom never appreciated.

But then lets save more on the style statement of this child prodigy for a different post.

So you see Sunday afternoon barber shop visit is one memory that is etched firmly in every Indian man’s mind :) And its not just about a haircut, its a story of an eternal tussle of - every child’s desire to hold on to his personally grown hair, every mother’s implicit selfish intent to make her husband get out of the house so she can get some peace in her Sunday life and every fathers fantasy to lie lifeless through the Sunday only moving in intervals of 3 hrs to devour hot ‘Bhajia’ & ‘Chai’ that should keep coming his way. This unfolding of events remains consistent irrespective the class of part of country you belong to, with only minor details like ‘Bhajia’ & ‘Chai’ replaced by ‘Masala Idli’ & ‘Filter Coffee’ if you are in south or by … umm i guess you got the point.

So what I was saying was that anywhere in India that you may be in, one fine Sunday as a child you are escorted by your dad (in most instances he being escorted by your mom till she starts trusting your 40yr old dad’s skills to get his 10yr old son a decent hair cut !) to the barber shop. There you sit there on that side bench generally gazing in the direction of the barber ‘Kamlesh' who is engrossed outpouring his acquired creative genius over the years on a unsuspecting specimen sitting in a chair almost in a vegetative state, totally unaware that the man he is trusting his style quotient has his one eye permanently fixated on Madhuri Dixit’s hot ‘Ek, Do, Teen … ‘ number playing on the black&white 14’’ TV screen hung on top left corner.

You on the other hand sit there totally aware of your presence, the surrounding and of the impending doom. Hoping against hope that ‘Kamlesh’ would make a false move & cut the man’s ear - there would be blood & commotion all around - your dad would panic & protect his son by not entrusting the fate of his son’s hairs to a man multitasking with cutting hair, sipping tea, watching Madhuri’s pelvic dance moves and scratching his crouch, all at the same time. End intended result, you would be saved a haircut and get to keep your long la’ Rajesh Khanna hair.

barber But then a cold mist of water coming from the direction of ‘Kamlesh’ spraying water on his specimen’s head (with a devise that you tweak during Holi to fill water baloons), breaks your chain of thoughts and you see Kamlesh grinning at you through his broken front Pan stained tooth and to see your dad peacefully sitting outside in mild winter sun, engrossed in Sunday Times reading Rajiv Gandhi’s vision to take India to the IT age and at the back of his mind too eager to go back to waiting Rajma Chawal at home and a afternoon nap in the sun on your terrace.

As a child, anything in between that happens that Sunday afternoon makes no difference to your fate, coz the inevitable does happen and irrespective of how your went in or any combination of detailed instruction you or your dad gives to ‘Kamlesh’, you end up coming out of the saloon looking like Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber, which was the trade mark hair cut of kids of my age. (Am really surprised to this day as to how moms even identified which one’s their when they came to collect us after school. Sigh!!)

Moral of the story, an average Indian male mind is tuned to go to Sunday the moment it hears Haircut, but then if you are associating all sorts if haircut to Sunday you might be messed up for whole different reasons and it is in larger social interest that we assume the story above has nothing whatsoever to do with that.

Monday, August 22, 2011

BCCI to appoint an injury excuse coach!

New Delhi: Following news of rifts within in the Indian test squad over allocation of injury excuses to opt out of the depressing series, BCCI has finally decided to hire a coach to train the star players on how to come up with innovative excuses to pull out of any ill-fated series with possibly humiliating result in store or for when they are trying to save their mojo only for the money minting IPL.

According to sources with direct access to dressing room, the trouble started when the two Delhi batsmen raced with their announcements to beat the rest of the team in citing Concussion & Shoulder Injury to opt of the the remainder of the ongoing England Vs Dravid series.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Manmohan Singh joins team Anna in the ongoing protest against the Prime Minister!

New Delhi: In quite a dramatic turn of events Prime Minister Manmohan Singh left one & all guessing, when he switched sides and joined team Anna in the ongoing protest against the government and the Prime Minister.

In a masterstroke he changed the game on its head when he went on to blast the government & the prime minister over the decision to detain Anna and his supporters. Saying that the arrests were nothing but a reflection of the mental bankruptcy of the Congress, the government & prime minister himself and were a blatant attack on the democratic fabric of the society, he went on to add that the prime minister has some serious questions to answer,, paying no heed to the minor detail that he himself was him.

Speaking to the press he said his decision was influenced by, his own voice of reason, strong public support on Anna’s side and rumors that Katrina may be making an appearance this week to support the protest against Lokpal bill.

BCCI to field Shashank Manohar as the second opening batsman in the 4th & final test at Oval

London: In a historic move the national cricket selection committee announced to field BCCI president Shashank Manohar as the new opening batsmen to come out with Gautam Gambhir in the fourth & final test at the Oval in the ongoing India tour of England. Mr.Manohar would be replacing Virender Sehwag.

Breaking the news in a specially called in press conference, the beaming national selection committee chairman, Krish Srikant said it was a well thought out counter strategy to preempt the excessive homework that English bowlers have done & the plan their think-tank has come up with to expose the weak point of our great batting line up and nip it in the bud.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

If this does not motivate the sales force, I don’t know what will ..

Today I thought of returning back to writing and while I was yet undecided on whether I want to write about work, life, my experiences in a new city or a making news post, I came across this VERY REAL news in one of London’s most circulated free daily business papers.  Well there are ways & techniques of motivating your men and their are ways of motivating your men, but if Hitler could have come up with such well planned incentive scheme, world would be a different place.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Wankhede stadium refuses to host any games not involving Marathi Manoos

PawarMumbai: In a dramatic turn of events, just when cricket fans across the globe were beginning to rest their fears of Wankhede stadium not being ready in time for the world cup, post reassuring presence of Union Agriculture Minister and International Cricket Council president Sharad Pawar at the stadium, Wankhede stadium refused to make itself ready to host any match involving Non-Marathi Manoos on its soil. Citing Vinod Kambli’s and Romesh Pawar’s omission from the national world cup squad as one of the many prominent reasons for its stands, the stadium politely but sternly voiced its non-cooperation to hold any match that has less than 16 of the playing 22 as non-marathi outsiders. ‘Thats just a 75% reservation we are talking about leaving enough space for others and BCCI & ICC should consider it if they want to hold any world cup matches on my chest’ stadium said addressing the media. With BCCI president Shashank Manohar’s reasonably valid argument; ‘How the @#$% is than even possible in a Canada Vs New Zealand and New Zealand Vs Sri Lanka Match?’ falling on deaf ears, the fate the two mentioned world cup league matches scheduled at Wankhede is uncertain.

When contracted, sources known to be close to Wankhede confirmed that though there are many reasons for this extreme step but most recently a North Indian rookie Virender Sehwag running out marathi mulga Sachin Bhau and then himself going on make 175 runs in the world cup openor just tipped the boat. Stadium itself went on record to say ‘Disat Naahi Kaa, the fact that the 175 run record was earlier also held by a North Indian Kapil Dev with questionable English skills, only add to my argument of the suppression of Marathi manoos for years.’

Virender Sehwag’s mother when contacted expressed her sadness on this entire episode in the world cup opener and requested cricket fans across the country not to read too much into the run out. On record she said; “Arre wo to chote se aisa hi hai, moodi,, jab man nahi hoga to viruuu viruuuu bulate raho peeche se, wo sunega hi nahi.*smiles* Ho gayi hogi koi baat Sachin aur us ke beech mein match se pehle, bas nahi bhaga wo.*laughs* Shararati kahin ka.” 

The acute stand from the stadium however has triggered sharp reactions from all wakes of life.

BJP spokesperson releasing a official press statement said; ‘We demand a Joint Parliamentary Probe (JPC) into why Wankhede was alloted the games at the first place without a proper debate in the parliament. According to rough calculations by our honorable senior party member and leader of opposition in Rajya Sabha Mr.Arun Jaitly it has caused a loss of Rs.200,000 cr. to the national exchequer”. When contacted Arun Jaitly just said a concise ‘PM is weak’ and ‘We are doing great work in Gujarat’

Uma Bharti & Sushma Swaraj when told of the sad stand of the stadium, took an oath to cut all their hairs if their brethrens from Canada, New Zealand and Srilanka were not allowed to play at Wankhede for the league matches. Repeated queries from our end failed to get more clarity on - hairs on what part of the body were they was talking about, if they would cut each other hairs in public and how the @#$% are Canadians, Kiwis and Lankans their brethren.

Manoj Bajpayee when contacted just said; “Karara Jawaab Milega!”. Why he was contacted at the first place is being investigated.

Amar Singh labeled the incident as a sad mark in the history of the game in India. Through our reporter he issued a open request to the stadium; ‘Dear Wankhede, if you have anything against the north Indians why don’t you act in mature & reasonable way and just beat up some bihari Taxi drivers & get it over with? What is the point in holding an entire nation to ransom?’ Various Sena’s in Mumbai have welcomed this solution from Amar Sigh and offered their services to Wankhede Stadium for this cause.

Lalit Modi has offered to move the matches to South Africa. He also offered his expertise to arrange the same in a day.

Prime Minister’s office has maintained a dogged silence on the issue, but when repeatedly probed by journalists the PM did say this; “I swear, I had no clue on what A.Raja was doing.

Final comments from Stadium were awaited when we went to press.

In a totally unrelated incident, Kasab’s death sentence was upheld by the court. Kasab however said he would be contesting the judgment in a higher court. He confirmed the reports that he has enrolled in Indira Gandhi Open University for ‘patrachaar’ course in BA LLB and is confident of getting a law degree and fighting his own case in supreme court before there is any consensus in India to hang him. On his confinement to Anda cell he said health, hygiene, food and other conditions there are much better than that at his home in the Faridkot village in Okara District of Punjab, Pakistan and he is looking forward to meet a ‘Raja’ when his case goes to Delhi.

Photo Source: Its Pawar standing there, trying to do a SRK. Do u really care | News Source: Would have told but you already know where this came from. Right!