An Inconvenient Truth ...

Yes its true ... (pause) ... Mr.Watson poops in office !

No no, I am not saying, all around the office floor in a medically challenged way. I mean, he is no doubt a respected senior colleague. And I am not suggesting that it is like, one day you are in conference room with 10 people doing win-loss analysis for the last quarter and then suddenly he jumps on the table, squats and decides to have a go.

No ... Am not saying that (head shake)

What I am telling you however, is that he is one of those rare few who uses office toilet to take his first dump of the morning.

And this is how I know it - See, I am early bird and I like many others have a set routine. For the last 2 years I come to office early, setup my work desk and then go to the men's room to tidy up and wash the train journey off my hands. And every-time just as am done & right when the hand dryer is shutting down with that dying woosh sound, this uncanny welsh accent greets me; "Gud Mornin Brejash, Al well !!' and in the front mirror I see Mr.Watson coming out of the last loo cubicle, adjusting his belt ... Every Single Day

For the first few months I took it as a co-incidence & played along, generally replying along with my weird office laugh; "Morning Mr.Watson, I see you just completed your boss's appraisal !" or "Hey Mr.Watson, saving some water at home are we. ehh?" or some crap like that.

But with time I have noticed 'a' pattern and have arrived at the conclusion that there is a good chance that Mr.Watson construes the option of taking his first morning bowel movement in office Toilet as a job perk. Sad as it may be,, that is the truth.

Emotionally, for me, the realization was very disturbing.

Time although is a great healer and over the months I have sort of come to terms with the fact that I am the sole custodian of what perhaps is the most smelly of my office's secrets.

But what I can not deal with is - HIS UNFLINCHING OBSESSION OF SYNCHRONIZING HIS END OF SHOW TO MY WASHING OF HANDS !!!

That is Disgusting! Preposterous !! Gross !!! Bloody, some sort of a twisted fetish stunt that he is pulling on me !!!

I mean who does that to a colleague??

I swear I have started to get this creepy feeling that the last bit effort of his morning pleasure is now in some kinky way linked to the scent I wear and or the near perfect sound of me blow drying my hands.

It is as if he sits there waiting for me and on the days that I don't come to office he just refuses to come out !!

Freak !!! ... I feel so used ... So violated.

And all this for no obvious fault of mine.

I have been and to this day remain, a firm believer of Toilet karma. I know your Toilet sins have to be repaid in the same life. In a different Toilet maybe, yes, but definitely in the same life.

And I am sure that in my lifetime I have not wronged anyone in there, to deserve this.

I mean yes there was that one time when I did sprinkle my Vice President Mr.Seethi in the Mumbai Office. But that was different. And by any standards this is too harsh a punishment for an innocent mistake.

What?? .. O the sprinkle .. Ahh, well it was nothing .. Forget I said that .. A minor accident if you may.

.. Ok Ok, if you must know, it happened in Oct 2010.

Flashback ...

15th October 2010, Mumbai. That day, I was in an awesome mood for no obvious reasons. I had an amazing morning workout at Gym and came to office still listening to my iPOD.

I clearly remember it was our Mumbai office Toilet on Floor 6. I had gone to take a leak and standing next to me at the adjascent urinal was our Vice President, Mr.Seethi. It was one of those Toilets you know where the urinals do not have that partition in between. Not a uncommon feature in Men's Toilet if you ask me. 

Both of us were minding our own business. I was listening to music. My iPOD playing the last bit of Govinda and Salman Khan's "Soni De Nakhre" from the movie Partner. 

I went on to take my position, aimed right and then closed my eyes to let things take their own course and lost myself to the music. 

Everything was going fine and nothing could or should have gone wrong. I mean it is a well rehearsed routine perfected over the years. I can do it in my sleep. I mean, no I don't do it in my sleep,  but eh ... Its like .. I mean ... arrgggg, you know what I meant.

Anyways.

So everything was normal ... And then, 'it' happened ... All within a matter of seconds.

I was maybe fraction of a second into my 'act' - the iPOD was on full blast - then abruptly the current song playing ended - and almost instantly the track changed to 'Jalwa' from Salman Khan's movie Wanted - First Drum routine from the 'Jalwa' number hit me at full volume - The effect only magnified by my Bose headphones ...

Instantly, in that unpredictable and sudden turn of events, Mr Seethi's fate was sealed. 

Two things I learnt that day. One - you can not stop the flow just micro seconds into the act of peeing and Two - with the bigul & the drum rolls sequence in the first 15 seconds of the 'Jalwa' track you cannot stop your body from moving and your hips swaying all over the place.

Mr Seethi claims he did yell, to the extent of invoking my first family in a typical Delhi Punjabi style but I could not hear any of it over the music volume in my ears. I was in my zone. My trance, matched in intensity, only by the tranquility of a Buddhist monk.

Mr Seethi apparently had his career progression meeting with the CEO which he missed, having had to rush back home for change of pants & shoes.

.... End of Flashback

But that was then. Even then it was not as if I did it on purpose or have not already paid the price in my 2010-11 appraisals. I have since moved to a different office in my profession and a much higher level of restrain in personal life.

From my end I have long forgiven Mr.Seethi.

But without doubt what Mr.Watson is doing here, is wrong. I was scarred by Mr.Seethi incident for nearly 2 years and just as my life is returning to normalcy, he is again making me Coprophobic.

AUR YE, ACCEPTABLE NAHI HAI ...

I do not want to spend the rest of my Toilet life in an ever prevalent threat hanging on my head of me accidentally peeing all over a senior board member or instead end up getting molested myself by a serial Pooper.

When I visit the Toilet the next time, like every man and woman,  I have every right to look forward (without fear) -

To that quirky jittery sensation in the end of every-time I pee !!

(Disclaimer: Some names and locations appearing in the story may or may not have been changed to protect identity. The author cannot accept or deny the incidents that led to this work of literature. The author also solemnly refuses to bow down to HR pressure and be held accountable for expenses towards any shoes or trousers that may have been soiled in the making of this work of art. The story itself varies in authenticity from being a true representation of real life incidents to being a mere literary documentation of a bad dream which felt so real as if seen in full HD.)

(Acknowledgement: Mr.Watson for his poop punctuality that was the genesis of this article. Office cleaning staff for using miraculous room freshner which makes washroom accessible even post Mr.Watson. Mr.Seethi for his reluctance to deal with some moisture. And the countless amazingly mind numbing conference calls that push me to write rubbish pieces like this for release.)

Dear Sender, I will be Out of Office …

Well you may have often come across people working in MNCs, complaining about their hectic lifestyle, whining about the odd working hours or moaning about those oddly timed conference calls running past midnight. They make their work life look like hell as if each workday they go to office and are made to watch CSI, CSI Miami, CSI NY and C.I.D back to back all day long. Let me tell you the truth. They are all liars … Ah, well most of them are.

Well yes, the life working in an Organization with work interests spread across continents and time zones can be hard but only if you are not smart enough about what you position yourself into. Under the projected back breaking work schedule and the false facade of rough life what such companies offer you is a rare opportunity for those who can find it - to make their work calendar look sexier than Madhuri & Vinod Khanna’s kiss in Dayawan.  

Lost ?? Eh, Let me illustrate.

Over the next few pictures I will impart wisdom that you’ve never been exposed to and will enlighten you to attain nirvana in this very life if you can find the right company, the right profile and the right location.

The main and only trick is -- TO HAVE YOUR BOSS IN A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE !!

That scenario my friends, is the holy grail of the superior-subordinate relationship, the epitome of work satisfaction and that actually is the very life that Sri Sri Ravi Shankar tries to take you to through the ‘Art of Living’ – the life without any stress, worry or anxiety !!

PS: Expecting your boss’s boss to be in a third time zone all together would in all honesty be an overkill, but if you can find it, it would be like having multiple orgasms without you even being a part of love making. But then I must caution you. Over the ages, millions of mortal cubicle dwellers have ruined their lives & careers in search of such a highly improbable scenario … its like … its like a Yeti or a Big Foot, we know its possible & out there, but then who has seen it ??? ... Sigh!

Anyways, Lets Begin:

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real person, living (in London, working at Old Bailey for a company starting with T and with his bosses in India) or dead, is purely coincidental.

Imagine if you may, yourself to be a Data Center Product Manager working in UK, supporting the regions of UK, APAC, India & US with his bosses are in India.

Here’s what the individual public holiday calendars for India, Singapore, UK and US look like for 2012:

Now the fun is not in the Individual calendars, but is in the fact that your total non-working days would be a carefully drawn superset in the composite view diagram of the above four calendars. The non-working days superset thus would be a superimposition of these 4 calendars into one whilst being governed by the following hypothesis: You would not be working if (#1) your region is off, (#2) region you are supporting is off and (#3) your boss’s region is off.

However extending the hypothesis (#3) to your boss, your boss would not be working when your boss’s  boss’s region is off. So we add one more hypothesis of not working as when (#4) your boss’s boss’s region is off.

Now if you combine the 4 calendars along with the above hypothesis into one superset, here’s what you get … Taaadaaaaa  !!!

137 days of blissful holidays …

But, Did I say I was done? … No I am not.

What we have missed is, that the darling that such Companies are they would also offer you 20-25 annual paid leaves and about 10-12 Sick leaves. So why don’t we throw them in the mix and see what it does … Whoa !!!

 

… 205 holidays !!! Looks beautiful isnt it …

But hey, Did I say I was done yet ? … Well, No I am not.

We all know what weekends mean to us. “But you have already included sat-sun in the above holidays”; you’ll say. Yes I have but here’s what you missed. The day that brings it all – Friday !!

That my friends, along with the fact that whether or not your bosses in India likes it, the earth would always spin about its axis. So every Friday it would already be past mid day his day in India when you get up & ready to hit work in UK. His weekend would already be knocking on his door. And then you would already be drawn into the weekend mode past mid-day your day by the time US gets up & ready to work. So in all there’s hardly anything that you’ll accomplish on a Friday. So why don’t we be practical and throw them in too …

So you’ve got to work 112 days a year.

Something does not seem right?

O yes, when we are adding the Fridays, how can we forget the regional holidays … Haan ??

Counting regional holidays & election days for India alone can change the above equation dramatically. Before I stopped keeping count, India had  28 states and 7 union territories and we go to elections more frequently that we celebrate Diwali !! And its not just India that will give you these unexpected off days.United Kingdom for example is not due anytime soon to increase the IQ of an average Brit, to become more than slow stammering 5 year old. So you can always expect this country to come dancing on streets, united in their looniness, every time a prince gets married OR a queen completes yet another decade of rule OR every time the British supreme court lifts the super-injunction off a football legend, thus making it legal for media to publically share pics/videos/tweets of his infidelity with his <insert one of the following> (brother’s/friend’s/captain’s/teammate’s/neighbor’s) <insert one of the following> (Wife/Fiancé/Sister/Mother/Brother(??)).

Am telling you even by a modest guesstimate of 30 off days a year against this bracket including all regions wont be a overkill. So here’s what you are left with:

So my friends in all you have about 290 holidays and a total of 76 working days … 76 !!

That’s like 7 days per month !!! Those late night conference call with US are suddenly not looking that bad, eh ??

But then, did I say I was done yet? … Well, No as a matter of fact I am not.

Now while the above work calendar already looks better than the best front foot cover drive that ever came out from Tendulkar's bat, there’s still more.

See, my dear statistics believing friends, probability tells us that there is no chance that the 25 annual leaves and 12 Sick leaves of yours that you have mapped on the above superset would sync perfectly to a similar calendar of your boss and your boss’s boss when they map their annual leaves & sick leaves on to their respective supersets. So their would be a maximum of 37 leave days of your boss’s boss when your boss would be not-working and another maximum of 37 leave days  of your boss when your boss would not be working.

Lost??

Leave it, all am saying is that by extension a maximum of 74 additional days Days can be added to hypothesis (#3).

Even if you take a modest view and include just 15 – 20% of the above to convert as holidays, it would give like a total of 52 days to work in a year.

ONLY 52 WORKING DAYS PER YEAR !!!

That’s, That’s like 1 days per week !!!!  < wink .. wink :) >

Do I even need to share a pic for that view ??

Well, now while penning this article 2 months ahead of my annual appraisal in March may not have been the smartest thing I have done off late, but it sure has been liberating. So while am at it, let me also say what am going to say now - If you thought that I was done and you would definitely need to work for at least 54 days a year … you most certainly don’t deserve this position.

See for any MBA graduate worth his salt - to make 1 excuse per week to not to come to office,,, is what an upper cut is to Sehwag or what head butting is to Zidane .. It their natural instinct.

So all am saying is that if you have it in you to make 1 excuse per week, you’ve have got a job at hand that will give you the one thing, that William Wallace died fighting for all his life – FREEDOM !!!

But please o please do be innovative in those last minute frantic calls to your boss. Explore your mind and you can easily avoid the clichéd ‘not-well’, ‘struck in traffic jam’ or ‘death in family’, to come up with gems of excuses that will become case studies for generations to come.

Illustrated Example: Monday morning 9:15 AM, just when you know your boss is about to inquire reason of your being offline from office communicator, you call him; “Hey chief, I wont be going to office today, the wireless broadband guy is coming in to troubleshoot … helloooo … hellooo … hey, droping signal in lift … hellooo … <Click. Disconnect>”. Now if you’ll carefully observe, what you’ve done is that in a stoke of genius you’ve not only delivered a master excuse to not turn up in office for the day (any boss would shudder at the possibility of you not having internet at home) but also subtly mentioned that you would not even be working from home for that day (its the wireless broadband that is not working remember !!).

I have more of these masterstrokes but that calls for a separate post altogether.       

Anyways,  now before I end let me tell you I am looking to hire someone in Singapore. Remember, I am in UK and my boss is in India .. Send me your resumes if you’re interested !!!