The Fellowship of the Ring

A friend most dear to me got married last month. While like always I wished him the best, I was a little sad for two reasons. One, that I could not be with him on his special day and the other, that I could not timely convince him against his decision to get married in the first place.

But then I have made my peace with it. I have realized that what you cannot do is, stop IT department in your office from blocking torrents and soft porn. But what you can do is, be updated on tricks of evading URL and IP filters.

So the only practical thing I can do is to share with him wisdom from my experience vide this open letter. May this help him prepare for the struggle ahead.

For thats what marriage is .. Its a struggle ..  A war - A series of battles that need to be won, a field peppered with land-mines that need to be navigated without loosing a limb, a constant struggle of one up-man-ship (no pun intended). A game with you in & as Mario, where over the stages the developer intermittently keeps on taking away your powers to jump, fly and fire.

Girls prepare for it from day one. They pray for their prince charming to "be dressed in white and to come riding a horse". White representing wealth, prosperity and mild nature. Wealth that she'd splurge and calm so he wont snap back. Riding horse representing strength and chauvinism so he'd protect her and do chores for her. In no time however these chores, these acts of valor of saving her from danger and romancing her will take a dramatic u turn & become doing dishes & ironing clothes & cleaning up after babies.

As an extreme exception even if they do accept a lesser mortal, say a frog for a husband they do it with hidden malicious intent of kissing and turning him onto a "prince charming dressed in white and riding a horse". There is no risk in it for them as they'll nag him to death anyways if he doesn't become one.

We guys are different.

A man realizes the gravity of lifelong situation they he has gotten himself into only on the wedding day when he takes notice of the "carefully chosen words" in the two distinctly different sets of congratulatory messages being showered on him and his newly wedded bride.

To the bride they say; "Congratulations dear. You are looking beautiful" and to the groom; "Remember you are married now. One has to make lot of adjustments and compromises to make marriage work."

"WTF !!!"; you think. "I didn't sign up for this."

But by then its too late, there is no turning back now. The only graceful thing you can do is get on with it,

Still, you dont have to go unprepared. To give you a head start, here are some master strokes that you'll otherwise only learn with experience.

Wrong is right: More than "make" you need to be a master of "break". Let me explain. There would be times when you'll hear; "Baby, can you prepare the tea today.", "Listen ... am not feeling like cooking or eating out. Can you please make something for me honey?", "Have an early morning meeting tomorrow, can you do the dishes today ... pleeeease".

What do you do in such scenarios? You can't say no. Remember, you "vowed" to support her in all walks of life. So you go ahead and do it for that one time. But here is what you can do to ensure you don't have to do it ever again. Make Tea, but ensure she pukes at first taste, prepare elaborate meal but burn the chapatis and make gravy taste like feet, Do the dished but break the bowl her mother gifted.

Forgive but never forget: Love in marriage is overrated. Count is what matters.The key to successful marriage for a guy is to keep track of times when her lady love goofs up. So when you screw up, and screw up you will, you can throw in her face the magnanimity you showed on her last debacle. Keep a tracker and hide it beneath your dirty underwear if you may.

Hone up your stage skills: You need to master the art to pretend sleep and read signs of a pretend sleeper. The former you'll need early morning to win the game of - 'How to get her to prepare morning tea" and the later skill would come handy for you in the other end of the day [wink .. wink]

Generosity is the key: Get and do what you want. But be man enough to first make her believe its her decision. 

On the bright side my dear friend, now that you are married you'll be able to relate with LOTR at a whole new level. Next time when you do a LOTR marathon and at the end of his three movie long ordeal see a bruised, tired, bleeding, dying Frodo just about to throw his precious in the molten lava, you'll instinctively look at your own wedding ring and think - - - - "That lucky bastard."

I would have loved to share more, but am getting the feeling that the ever watchful eye of Sauron is casting her gaze on me.

So I'll sign off, but you - Be Safe, you are married now !!

Thanks Meenu Kalra, this time for VIAGRA !!

Open Letter of thanks to Ms.Meenu Kaur Kalra

How should I thank all you men & women who over the years, by intruding my inbox, have helped me to pick the best holiday, not miss a paid seminar, opt for the best insurance scheme, buy the best property in chincpokli, alerted me from drinking Pepsi-Coke-Juices-Alcohol or water and largely for keeping me in best of health by sharing info on best of medicine that i don't need.

Just today you, Ms.Meenu Kalra (mkaurkalra@gmail.com) landed in my inbox, helping me with all the information on generic Viagra, containing Sildenafil Citrate, which enables men with erectile dysfunction to sustainably beat nature for prolonged period. In your mail you go on to tell me that since it became available, Viagra has been single biggest support for avoiding unwarranted lack of enthusiasm.

How your kind self assumed, that I would be the perfect buyer for you (no pun intended) remains a mystry but I would like to thank you for the brochure your shared. I was rather amused by the names on the colorful pills which in my understanding are all but means to attain the same stiff ... err ... stuff.

Anyways if anything your mail did offer me a few smiles. Thanks for that and please do read on.

Dear Sender, I will be Out of Office …

Well you may have often come across people working in MNCs, complaining about their hectic lifestyle, whining about the odd working hours or moaning about those oddly timed conference calls running past midnight. They make their work life look like hell as if each workday they go to office and are made to watch CSI, CSI Miami, CSI NY and C.I.D back to back all day long. Let me tell you the truth. They are all liars … Ah, well most of them are.

Well yes, the life working in an Organization with work interests spread across continents and time zones can be hard but only if you are not smart enough about what you position yourself into. Under the projected back breaking work schedule and the false facade of rough life what such companies offer you is a rare opportunity for those who can find it - to make their work calendar look sexier than Madhuri & Vinod Khanna’s kiss in Dayawan.  

Lost ?? Eh, Let me illustrate.

Over the next few pictures I will impart wisdom that you’ve never been exposed to and will enlighten you to attain nirvana in this very life if you can find the right company, the right profile and the right location.

The main and only trick is -- TO HAVE YOUR BOSS IN A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE !!

That scenario my friends, is the holy grail of the superior-subordinate relationship, the epitome of work satisfaction and that actually is the very life that Sri Sri Ravi Shankar tries to take you to through the ‘Art of Living’ – the life without any stress, worry or anxiety !!

PS: Expecting your boss’s boss to be in a third time zone all together would in all honesty be an overkill, but if you can find it, it would be like having multiple orgasms without you even being a part of love making. But then I must caution you. Over the ages, millions of mortal cubicle dwellers have ruined their lives & careers in search of such a highly improbable scenario … its like … its like a Yeti or a Big Foot, we know its possible & out there, but then who has seen it ??? ... Sigh!

Anyways, Lets Begin:

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real person, living (in London, working at Old Bailey for a company starting with T and with his bosses in India) or dead, is purely coincidental.

Imagine if you may, yourself to be a Data Center Product Manager working in UK, supporting the regions of UK, APAC, India & US with his bosses are in India.

Here’s what the individual public holiday calendars for India, Singapore, UK and US look like for 2012:

Now the fun is not in the Individual calendars, but is in the fact that your total non-working days would be a carefully drawn superset in the composite view diagram of the above four calendars. The non-working days superset thus would be a superimposition of these 4 calendars into one whilst being governed by the following hypothesis: You would not be working if (#1) your region is off, (#2) region you are supporting is off and (#3) your boss’s region is off.

However extending the hypothesis (#3) to your boss, your boss would not be working when your boss’s  boss’s region is off. So we add one more hypothesis of not working as when (#4) your boss’s boss’s region is off.

Now if you combine the 4 calendars along with the above hypothesis into one superset, here’s what you get … Taaadaaaaa  !!!

137 days of blissful holidays …

But, Did I say I was done? … No I am not.

What we have missed is, that the darling that such Companies are they would also offer you 20-25 annual paid leaves and about 10-12 Sick leaves. So why don’t we throw them in the mix and see what it does … Whoa !!!

 

… 205 holidays !!! Looks beautiful isnt it …

But hey, Did I say I was done yet ? … Well, No I am not.

We all know what weekends mean to us. “But you have already included sat-sun in the above holidays”; you’ll say. Yes I have but here’s what you missed. The day that brings it all – Friday !!

That my friends, along with the fact that whether or not your bosses in India likes it, the earth would always spin about its axis. So every Friday it would already be past mid day his day in India when you get up & ready to hit work in UK. His weekend would already be knocking on his door. And then you would already be drawn into the weekend mode past mid-day your day by the time US gets up & ready to work. So in all there’s hardly anything that you’ll accomplish on a Friday. So why don’t we be practical and throw them in too …

So you’ve got to work 112 days a year.

Something does not seem right?

O yes, when we are adding the Fridays, how can we forget the regional holidays … Haan ??

Counting regional holidays & election days for India alone can change the above equation dramatically. Before I stopped keeping count, India had  28 states and 7 union territories and we go to elections more frequently that we celebrate Diwali !! And its not just India that will give you these unexpected off days.United Kingdom for example is not due anytime soon to increase the IQ of an average Brit, to become more than slow stammering 5 year old. So you can always expect this country to come dancing on streets, united in their looniness, every time a prince gets married OR a queen completes yet another decade of rule OR every time the British supreme court lifts the super-injunction off a football legend, thus making it legal for media to publically share pics/videos/tweets of his infidelity with his <insert one of the following> (brother’s/friend’s/captain’s/teammate’s/neighbor’s) <insert one of the following> (Wife/Fiancé/Sister/Mother/Brother(??)).

Am telling you even by a modest guesstimate of 30 off days a year against this bracket including all regions wont be a overkill. So here’s what you are left with:

So my friends in all you have about 290 holidays and a total of 76 working days … 76 !!

That’s like 7 days per month !!! Those late night conference call with US are suddenly not looking that bad, eh ??

But then, did I say I was done yet? … Well, No as a matter of fact I am not.

Now while the above work calendar already looks better than the best front foot cover drive that ever came out from Tendulkar's bat, there’s still more.

See, my dear statistics believing friends, probability tells us that there is no chance that the 25 annual leaves and 12 Sick leaves of yours that you have mapped on the above superset would sync perfectly to a similar calendar of your boss and your boss’s boss when they map their annual leaves & sick leaves on to their respective supersets. So their would be a maximum of 37 leave days of your boss’s boss when your boss would be not-working and another maximum of 37 leave days  of your boss when your boss would not be working.

Lost??

Leave it, all am saying is that by extension a maximum of 74 additional days Days can be added to hypothesis (#3).

Even if you take a modest view and include just 15 – 20% of the above to convert as holidays, it would give like a total of 52 days to work in a year.

ONLY 52 WORKING DAYS PER YEAR !!!

That’s, That’s like 1 days per week !!!!  < wink .. wink :) >

Do I even need to share a pic for that view ??

Well, now while penning this article 2 months ahead of my annual appraisal in March may not have been the smartest thing I have done off late, but it sure has been liberating. So while am at it, let me also say what am going to say now - If you thought that I was done and you would definitely need to work for at least 54 days a year … you most certainly don’t deserve this position.

See for any MBA graduate worth his salt - to make 1 excuse per week to not to come to office,,, is what an upper cut is to Sehwag or what head butting is to Zidane .. It their natural instinct.

So all am saying is that if you have it in you to make 1 excuse per week, you’ve have got a job at hand that will give you the one thing, that William Wallace died fighting for all his life – FREEDOM !!!

But please o please do be innovative in those last minute frantic calls to your boss. Explore your mind and you can easily avoid the clichéd ‘not-well’, ‘struck in traffic jam’ or ‘death in family’, to come up with gems of excuses that will become case studies for generations to come.

Illustrated Example: Monday morning 9:15 AM, just when you know your boss is about to inquire reason of your being offline from office communicator, you call him; “Hey chief, I wont be going to office today, the wireless broadband guy is coming in to troubleshoot … helloooo … hellooo … hey, droping signal in lift … hellooo … <Click. Disconnect>”. Now if you’ll carefully observe, what you’ve done is that in a stoke of genius you’ve not only delivered a master excuse to not turn up in office for the day (any boss would shudder at the possibility of you not having internet at home) but also subtly mentioned that you would not even be working from home for that day (its the wireless broadband that is not working remember !!).

I have more of these masterstrokes but that calls for a separate post altogether.       

Anyways,  now before I end let me tell you I am looking to hire someone in Singapore. Remember, I am in UK and my boss is in India .. Send me your resumes if you’re interested !!!

O Lal Meri Pat Rakhiyo; Dama Dam Mast Qalandar

I just love this song. And if you like music, it is impossible that you at some point have not been driven into a trance by this mesmerizing piece of sufi music which is but one of the countless gems of the rich cultural heritage of the Indian sub-continent. Countless singers & artists from Pakistan & India have given their voice to this sufiana magic, originally written in praise of Hazrat Lal Shabaz Qalander. From Nusrat saab to Allah Jilai Bai, from Runa Laila to Abida Parveen, in a bit modern version from Junoon to Hans Raj Hans, various masters of their gifts through the generations have explored new depths with this song. Each version equally melodious and each one adding his own soul to this cry from heart to ‘Hazrat’.

Love as we know may be a mix of unparallel emotions, feelings or faith of varying strength towards a person, a cause, a belief, a relation or a thought. Love as we experience may be defined around or be free from the grasps of expectations and in its own way lets you put your beloved before you, your wants, needs and desires. Making no claim of what I am saying is right I would say Sufism takes this definition of Love beyond defined or know boundaries. Sufi music for that matter leaves no differentiation between the lover and the beloved, the beloved here being the God or that one elusive truth you seek. You seek him while knowing he is in you and that takes your love above desires, wants, expectations of love in return or even beyond being affected by his wrath. That’s the beauty of Sufi music, it makes you be so much at peace with yourself that you seem to even love the hardships coming your way as you become one with that one you seek.

Music has not language they say and rightly so. But knowing the meanings of the words beaded together in this song to weave its magic, takes this song which while sung originally in praise of Hazrat, to a new level.

“O laal meri pat rakhio bala jhoole laalan, Sindri da Sehvan da, sakhi Shabaaz kalandar, Dama dam mast kalandar, Ali dam dam de andar”

Loosely traslated as; “O the red robed, May I always have your benign protection, Jhulelal, O the lord, the friend and the Sire of Sindh and Sehwan (or Serwan ),The red robed God-intoxicated Qalandar, you who have mastered life, glory unto to you.”

Born Syed Hussein Shah, this sufi saint was and is known to his followers as Hazrat Lal Shabaz Qalander, a name where each word has a meaning and or legend attached to it. Hazrat  is an Arabic a title used ahead of names as a mark of respect, pretty much akin ‘His Holiness’ or ‘Your honour’ used in English language. “Lal” is used to refer to him as he was fond of wearing red attire. Also fondly parents in this part of the world call their child lal, here Hazat is probably referred to as Lal or son of god. “Shah” means king & “Baaz” means falcon; the title Shahbaaz apparently also goes with another legend associated with him that he once turned into a falcon and saved his friend from the gallows. Qalander a word of Persian origin is a title given to wandering sufi dervishes, he is also referred to as Qalandar as he was from the Qalandria order of Sufism. Hazrat Lal Sahbaaz Qalandar is also referred to by his followers as “Jhule Laal”. He hailed from Marwand in Afghanistan and finally settled in Sehwan in Sindh, Pakistan, the places which are invoked in this song. “Pat(t)” while used in different connotations at different places, here loosely refers to ‘honor’.

Dam;'breath in' & Adam;'breath out' colloquially sung as Dama-Dum, refers to a person who has mastered the control of his breath thus taking control over self and knowing the secrets to remains happy forever. Ali called here is to incite Ali though Hazrat.

“Chaar charaag tere baran hamesha, Panjwa mein baaran aayi bala jhoole laalan … O panjwa mein baaran aayi bala jhoole laalan, Sindri da Sehvan da, sakhi Shabaaz Qalandar,”

Loosely translated as; “Your shrine is always lighted with four lamps, And here I come to light a fifth lamp in your honor.”

“Hindh sindh peera teri naubat vaaje,, Naal vaje ghadiyaal bala jhoole laalan … O Naal vaje ghadiyaal bala jhoole laalan, Sindri da Sehvan da, sakhi Shabaaz Qalandar,”

Loosely translated as; “Your heroic name ring out across (Naubat khanas) in Hind & Sindh (or lets the gongs bell loud ), Let the gong ring loud for your glory day and night by the people.”

The word ‘Naubat' originated from the Persian word 'Naubat' which means a traditional ensemble of nine musical instruments. Among other the main instruments comprising the Naubat as we know them now are Shehnai, Tabla, Drum, Nafiri (long clarinet), Flute and a Gong. In fact Naubat Khana or Naqqar khanas are a distinct feature of Mughal Architechture. Found in royal palaces these were the drum houses or orchestra pits during ceremonies. In India Ustad Bismillah Khan’s family has played shehnai for generations in the Naubatkhana at Red Fort, Delhi, which overlooked palaces and temples, and enabled their music to be heard across the countryside.

Some also sing this as Ghanan ghanan teri Naubat vaaje.

“Har dam peera teri khair hove, Naam-e-ali beda paar laga jhoole laalan … O Naam-e-ali beda paar laga jhoole laalan, Sindri da Sehvan da, sakhi Shabaaz Qalandar,”

Loosely translated as; “O Lord, may you prevail every time, everywhere, I pray of your well being, In the name of Ali, I pray to you to help my boat cross the river of life in safety”

Search ‘Lal Meri pat Rakhiyo’ on You Tube and a score of versions would pop up. Here’s one of my personal favorite by none other than the master himself – Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan.

Also sitting in the group (if you noticed), a young boy then, is another legend on the making Rahat Fateh Ali Khan. If you hear some of the original records (Akhiyan Udeek Diyan for example) from Nusrat saab you can recognize a unmistakable alaap by Rahat. In most qawwalis its just a alaap, but you sure cant miss to recognize the distinct voice and the commendable attempt trying to measure up to the God of voice.  Interesting if you like this kind of music …

The enigmatic relation between Sunday & a man’s haircut

Have you ever wondered why more often than not you go for an haircut on a Sunday? One fine day, while getting ready for work out of nowhere you take notice that your hairs need mending. What do you do? You automatically almost in a predefined mechanized chain of reactions triggered by that realization take a mental note and more often than not set aside 1 hour with your barber the coming Sunday. Right? Well if you do that, you must know you are not alone. Coincidence ??

No not exactly my friend. See as an Indian man’s mind has been trained to associate a haircut with a Sunday. Its a natural reflex action almost like doing ‘ummm’ when the waiter brings the hot sizzling sizzler to your table or clicking a mental picture whenever any hot lady passes by. You can’t help it. Believe it of not but your mind has been programmed for life and remains totally unaffected by the otherwise assumed mental growth with age. And like a trained chimp you follow that routine through your life. Not just that you also almost unknowingly imbibe that mechanized habit in your next generation. 

Let’s figure out why.

Well let’s for while go back in time to when you were 10-12yrs old. Remember those lazy Sunday afternoons when your dad post being hounded by your mother for the entire morning (like that documentary lion who after being constantly bugged by that odd little fly in his ear is forced to wake up and find a new place to sleep) would hold your hand and walk you to the neighborhood barber shop to execute mom’s concise yet clear instructions, to try & get you back to look like ‘insaan’ (loosely translated as ‘Human’)

Albeit the last comment may well have been just my case. You see yours truly has always a man of his own style. I am a firm believer of ‘Bigger the better’ (no pun intended) and even as a kid, liked growing my hair long, with long locks falling down, covering my ears on the sides and curled at the bottom la’ Rajesh Khanna .. A style my mom never appreciated.

But then lets save more on the style statement of this child prodigy for a different post.

So you see Sunday afternoon barber shop visit is one memory that is etched firmly in every Indian man’s mind :) And its not just about a haircut, its a story of an eternal tussle of - every child’s desire to hold on to his personally grown hair, every mother’s implicit selfish intent to make her husband get out of the house so she can get some peace in her Sunday life and every fathers fantasy to lie lifeless through the Sunday only moving in intervals of 3 hrs to devour hot ‘Bhajia’ & ‘Chai’ that should keep coming his way. This unfolding of events remains consistent irrespective the class of part of country you belong to, with only minor details like ‘Bhajia’ & ‘Chai’ replaced by ‘Masala Idli’ & ‘Filter Coffee’ if you are in south or by … umm i guess you got the point.

So what I was saying was that anywhere in India that you may be in, one fine Sunday as a child you are escorted by your dad (in most instances he being escorted by your mom till she starts trusting your 40yr old dad’s skills to get his 10yr old son a decent hair cut !) to the barber shop. There you sit there on that side bench generally gazing in the direction of the barber ‘Kamlesh' who is engrossed outpouring his acquired creative genius over the years on a unsuspecting specimen sitting in a chair almost in a vegetative state, totally unaware that the man he is trusting his style quotient has his one eye permanently fixated on Madhuri Dixit’s hot ‘Ek, Do, Teen … ‘ number playing on the black&white 14’’ TV screen hung on top left corner.

You on the other hand sit there totally aware of your presence, the surrounding and of the impending doom. Hoping against hope that ‘Kamlesh’ would make a false move & cut the man’s ear - there would be blood & commotion all around - your dad would panic & protect his son by not entrusting the fate of his son’s hairs to a man multitasking with cutting hair, sipping tea, watching Madhuri’s pelvic dance moves and scratching his crouch, all at the same time. End intended result, you would be saved a haircut and get to keep your long la’ Rajesh Khanna hair.

But then a cold mist of water coming from the direction of ‘Kamlesh’ spraying water on his specimen’s head (with a devise that you tweak during Holi to fill water baloons), breaks your chain of thoughts and you see Kamlesh grinning at you through his broken front Pan stained tooth and to see your dad peacefully sitting outside in mild winter sun, engrossed in Sunday Times reading Rajiv Gandhi’s vision to take India to the IT age and at the back of his mind too eager to go back to waiting Rajma Chawal at home and a afternoon nap in the sun on your terrace.

As a child, anything in between that happens that Sunday afternoon makes no difference to your fate, coz the inevitable does happen and irrespective of how your went in or any combination of detailed instruction you or your dad gives to ‘Kamlesh’, you end up coming out of the saloon looking like Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber, which was the trade mark hair cut of kids of my age. (Am really surprised to this day as to how moms even identified which one’s their when they came to collect us after school. Sigh!!)

Moral of the story, an average Indian male mind is tuned to go to Sunday the moment it hears Haircut, but then if you are associating all sorts if haircut to Sunday you might be messed up for whole different reasons and it is in larger social interest that we assume the story above has nothing whatsoever to do with that.

BCCI to appoint an injury excuse coach!

New Delhi: Following news of rifts within in the Indian test squad over allocation of injury excuses to opt out of the depressing series, BCCI has finally decided to hire a coach to train the star players on how to come up with innovative excuses to pull out of any ill-fated series with possibly humiliating result in store or for when they are trying to save their mojo only for the money minting IPL.

According to sources with direct access to dressing room, the trouble started when the two Delhi batsmen raced with their announcements to beat the rest of the team in citing Concussion & Shoulder Injury to opt of the the remainder of the ongoing England Vs Dravid series.

Consistent Bachchan

Ram Gopal Varma once said this man’s a better actor than his father Amitabh Bachchan. But then Ram Gopal verma also said that ‘Raam gopal verma ki Aag’ was a true tribute to Sholay and that he had no ulterior motive in giving 5 back to back movies to Priyanka Kothari. So lets leave that shmuck aside. Lets about the man himself - Abhishek Bacchan. He's dubbed the Crown Prince of Bollywood. Son of screen legend Amitbah Bachchan, Abhishek has emerged as a major star in his own right and more importantly in his own space, which happens to be right there at the very bottom. Educated in Switzerland and the United States, he entered into acting in his early 20s, and the only known acclaim that he has till date is marrying his wife Aishwarya all on his own.

Small B goes candid with our correspondent from Making News Networks, as he talks about life, gols, squares and straight lines.

MNN: Hello Sir, thanks for accommodating us in your busy schedule.

AB: No No .. No problem at all. Time is all I have .. Well actually a lot of people have that confusion. You see what happens is that on seeing me with dad, mom, Aish, Amarsingh etc people absent mindedly associate a picture of busy schedule with me .. But all I can say is, don’t trust all that you see.

MNN: All right then. To start with, please accept heartiest congratulations from our whole team & entire nation on yet another flop.

AB: Thanks you. What can I say, GOD has been kind.

MNN: So would you like to tell us something about ‘Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Se’. You were very tensed before the release. So how was the entire experience.

AB: O Yes Yes, I was very tensed. You see with my last movie ‘Raavan’ I had a narrow escape. With people line Mani Ratnam, Aishwarya, Vikram and AR Rehman associated with ‘Raavan’ the kind of hype that movie got before release, we were scared to death that it might become a hit. But I guess my past lives good works paid off and it tanked .. It was difficult but we achieved it as a team .. I mean did you even look what we were up against - the budget, people, locations, music, I mean it was so easy to loose focus and give a blockbuster .. But I must give credit to my and my wife’s dedication to lifeless acting that we were able to pull off a flop from those ingredients. From outside it may appear easy but when you have a image to maintain, you have to be totally involved.

MNN: hmm you were saying about ‘Khelien hum..’

AB: Ya post ‘Raavan’ near death experiance, with ‘Khelien hum ..’ we didn’t want to take any chances hence we got Ashutosh Gowarikar as the director. With him around, I mean you can be 50% sure that the final product would be crap. I mean look at his face with that constant ‘I just smelled my own boxers’ look, that alone is good enough to shoo people away from the theater. With ‘Khelien hum ..’ I am sure he has conclusively proven as to who between him & Aamir directed most of ‘Lagaan’ and that if you have have see Ashutosh’s real work you have to watch ‘What’s my Rashee’ and ‘Khelien hum ..’.

MNN: Ok so with Ashutosh around you were relaxed that final movie would be a dud.

AB: No No. Like I said, after Raavan I did not want to take any chances hence after Ashutosh as director we signed Deepika as the female lead .. That sealed it .. I mean the chic is a genius. See to start with, anatomically she barely qualifies as a female lead, you know like waist up & all. And even if you overlook that fact, its almost impossible to get her to act. I mean calling her a female Arjun Rampal would be an understatement. So ya with Ashutosh & Deepika in, I was sure this would be yet another big flop for me .. *looses himself in a trance, then smiles* .. Dad would be proud of me !

MNN: Hmm good planning I must admit. So Abhishek tell our readers, were you always clear that you wanted to become the flop superstar. Did being Amitji & Jaya’s son (that is when we are carrying on with the assumption that you are) not bother you?

AB: I won’t say that this is what I planned when I entered the Industry or it was easy. But it seems everything kept falling in place .. Like I always say, GOD has been kind .. You see from my school days itself am a big fan of zero. The roundness of that shape always fascinated me. Speaking of my liking for roundness, it was only apt that I started my career with Kareena. And I am speaking of that time only when she was most round at all possible places, then of course she spoilt it all but that too with that zero figure n all. So zero kept popping up in my life. Also biggest of them all, looking at my acting skills my first director JP Dutta predicted, that that (zero) was the amount I should consistently see on my paycheck if were to be evaluated on my acting skills .. So point is that the attraction with zero or the bottom was always there and there were enough hints.

MNN: But now that you have mentioned Kareena & JP, ‘Refuge’ did do a decent business. In fact it got you nominated for the best male debut Filmfare.

AB: *Laughs* .. O ya that ! .. Dad I tell you! he always surprises me with such gifts .. But then the good thing about my family is their maturity. When I told Bacchan Sab & Mom that look lets accept it, you have seen me, you’ve seem women I have dated, you have seen my school grades and you have also seen my acting. There is no way I can follow dad and achieve same or more than what he has achieved. So wht don’t I become the Big B of anti-universe and we will have a winner for all worlds right at home. I told them about my dream of being the unprecedented flop superstar of the century, and they were totally supportive. And from there I worked really hard to achieve what I wanted. And it reflects in my work. You see ‘Dhai Akshar Prem Ke’, ‘Tera Jadoo Chal Gaya’, ‘Haan Mene Bhi Pyaar Kiya hai’, ‘Main Prem Ki Deewani hun’, ‘Mumbai Se Aya Mera Dost’ etc they all broke record after record for lowest grosser.

In fact the first real career high moment I achieved was with ‘Naach’. Story goes on first day of the release, Raam Charan shukla the Reel operator at Imax cinemas was allegedly the only one who saw or had to see the first show as he was the one playing it. And then when the Imax management was forcing him to play the second show of ‘Nach’, he allegedly unrolled the film roll from the cassette and hanged himself with the same .. *Silence* .. Well I was touched by the gesture .. It was post that incident that I realized that I had it in me and have been confident of myself since then.

MNN: Ok

AB: Ya I mean when someone shows that kind of confidence in you, you get motivated to work harder. In fact I followed up ‘Naach’ with, ‘Mumbai se Aaya Mera Dost’, ‘Sharaarat’, ‘Phir milenge’ etc. Well I can say that I am satisfied with what I have not achieved.

MNN: Hmm so what went wrong with ‘Bunty Aur Bubly’, ‘Bluff Master’, ‘Sarkar’

AB: Bad choices I would say. But my conscience is clear. Even if you see these movies once you’d know they have been hit due to factors beyond me. I tried hard with my abysmal acting, but you can’t do much when a energetic Rani Mukharjee in Bunty, a winning script in Bluff and my own Dad in Sarkar thwart your effort and make the movie work. It was embarrassing. But what to do. Who said life was bed of roses.

MNN: Who said?

AB: Who said what?

MNN: Who said life was a bed of roses?

AB: I don’t know

MNN: But you said who said?

AB: O that was a rhetorical question.

MNN: Anyways .. bigger thing is we still see you as a hopeless star and refuse to watch any of your movies.

AB: What can I say, I am what I am because of my fans.. Or lack of them.

MNN: So AB would you like to talk on you marriage.

AB: Ya Ya that. Aish was a conscious effort on my part. You see I have been always accused of having the benefit of the having the parents I have. I mean people are mean enuf to say that you had no role whatsoever in your having those parents and I should have some sort of guilt in riding on their good names. So marrying Aish was a slap in their face of my detractors. I mean she is all my effort right. My initiative my work. So now I can leach on her celebrity status for the rest of my life but no one can accuse me that she just fell in my lap. I watered that plant and am now reaping the benefits.

MNN: How have people accepted your marriage?

AB: See I don’t care. I have got on my bed what they had got on their bedroom walls in posters. They should learn to respect me.

MNN: Great .. So any more goals that you have set for yourself in future.

AB: Ya, sometime in future I would like to see at least one, one of my producers shoot himself in the head on first day of release. Am working on it. Only if GOD remains kind I shall see that happen. Do pray for me.

MNN: Amen, we can see you seeing that day. Thanks so much for talking to us. Now if you’ll excuse me, at least I have a life. Thanks & Bye

Photo Source: Do you care? For this.Really?? | News Source: Would have told but you already know where this came from. Right!

The only option is to change sides …

Wrote this piece a year back. Now when I read this in the light of CWG, 2G, Adarsh housing and many such scams or should I say attack on our indifference, this makes so much more sense to me. Noone has changed - neither us who have learned to live on nor those who know no matter what, we would forget and live on. Now if you can, think - what is more appalling, a enemy state sending their trained murderers who carry on a attack on our soil killing more than 170 OR ministers from our own democratically elected government looting the nation to the tunes of more than Rs.170 cr. Who deserves a more stringent punishment. But an even bigger question is who decides?


Shared below is my post dated: 26-11-2009

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The only option is to change sides …

Disclaimer: This is not yet another piece on the 26/11. The main catalyst in pushing me to pen down my thoughts are news channels displaying the vicarious pleasure of reliving the dead and the unending documentaries on Mumbai terror attacks. 

I tuned on to Times Now on 25th nov 2009 evening and it along with all other news channels were flooded with there own versions of a years experience of Mumbai terror attacks. Since then I have come across various news pieces, written comments and documentaries using striking images & videos of the 26/11 attack skillfully woven in a story thread with a background voice trying to drive home the point of how vulnerable we were on that doomed day and contesting if anything has changed between then and now. “ The story of Nariman House” they call it. Followed by more short documentaries about the CST, Taj and the Oberoi Trident attacks. The context, story and narration amongst all is more often than not gripping and you can't help watching the whole story.

It instantly brings back the memories that fateful night on 26th nov 2008 when the average common man - used to the steroid of regular saas-bahu sagas courtesy Ekta, Rahul Mahajans torturous laughter on Big Boss 2, some season of Indian Idol (i’ve lost count), the titillating sexapades of SplitzVilla and Indian cricket teams back to back one day wins against a depleted English side) - was returning home from their days work for a daily doze of trivia on the idiot box. Least had they expected that what would unveil on their TC sets that night would redefine the breaking news they were used to seeing and bring the terror right to their doorsteps. And for more than 2 days from thereon, people across the globe witnessed gun shots, grenade blasts, fires, deaths and survivors.

Today we claim that 26'/11 was not just another tragedy, it was a CHANGE. It redefined and changed the terror coverage from a post carnage reporting to live feeds, changed the definition of breaking news from trivia to topics that mattered, changed the potent threat from cross border terrorism that was restricted to places away from home to ghastly act of unprovoked & unwarranted violence right in your face, changed the face of terror from an unknown turban veiling bearded man to a clean shaven causally dressed boy next door , changed how people were made accountable for loss from passing the buck to action and changed how common man voiced his opinion. 

Well … The above is a perception and in-fact the desired or logical change that should have been an outcome of such an brazen challenge to our existence.

The million dollar question is whether that change ever happened and if it did, did it stay !

A year later we browse through the net, shuffle though news paper pages and navigate through the numerous news channels and we are forced to think at least once, that has there really been a change after what was arguably the biggest attack on our democracy and sense of feeling protected in our homes? Was all or any of the feeling of change and leanings derived post 26/11 real? Is anyone who is responsible or who should be responsible really bothered? And more than anything else have we changed? 

Well i gave it a thought. And from various things that I noticed I personally am little confused on whether even a fraction of all the talks of patriotism, call for accountability, demand for revolutionizing changes in defense & security were anything other than chatter anger and pseudo sense of contribution. 

Look around and this is what you’ll see. People who were made to vacate their office have been brought back in to office when it suited the people in power. Scores of candle lighting Mumbaikars did not even turn to vote to voice then opinion in the very next election that happened the attacks. The MNS with its hate politics acted in ensuring that it weakened Sena and BJP to congress’s advantage and is still going strong with its dividing ways & hate politics without any check. 17 years and 8 crore rupees Mr.Liberahan took to tell us what India already knew. And instead of questioning why those guilty of millions of deaths that resulted of what happened in Ayodha have not been punished, all, which the politicians are debating is why and who leaked the report. Elected members of Indian democracy in Lok Sabha are shamelessly chanting Jai Shree Raam and shouting Allah ho akbar instead of taking us ahead of competing nations in global economy and world political environment. Take any state, any political party, the administration or even the Judiciary, all around you will see inefficiency and corruption. The fact that even after all this we are still a reasonable voice in the global front tell us that the condition may not be bad enough to summarize that we all are alive only for the fact that we are not dead yet, but we must also realize that the scene is not all’s well as well.

Let me go back to the shows that I saw and that prompted me to pen down this piece. The show and various show like that stressed on one question – “ As a citizen of this country, as a common man you were angry on 26/11 2008. One year post the incident - Are you still angry??? ”

Well if you ask me - the average citizen, the common man I believe is too busy to be angry. 



We all I would say are too busy to do anything about the fact that the potential threat to our lives & freedom is still at large and still very real. We are by now used to talking big and then disappear. Little are we concerned to check if anything has been done to amend the flaws which make us weak and vulnerable to the evil intentions outside the borders ( and even inside) waiting to pin us down. Actually if you ask me we don't have an option. The daily battle for earning a suitable livelihood to support the lifestyle we want for us and our loved ones, leaves but no time for caring for our own safety. The country is way back in priority in the long list of our daily needs. The needs depending on individual may vary from the struggle to earn a few rupees to ensure just one meal in a day for hungry mouths that look at him to buying a villa to ensure a hearty vacation once in a year for protected souls looking at him for ensuring their comfort. The bottom line is that a common man does not have time to care if the relevant authorities that he is paying his hard earned money as taxes, are doing their work to ensure that he would live to reap its benefit.

The bitter truth of life is that those sitting at those positions of relevance and those who are & who wish to run the country are aware of this fact that a common man does not have time for even himself, leave alone the time to vent the anger at them and ensuring their accountability on a continuous basis. In fact this is the truth from where they and the ones who attack and kill us time & again derive the strength from. There is a fine line that divides those who suffer and those who take advantage of their indifference to themselves.

An even uglier truth of life is that there is no reason why the situation should ever change. We on the darker side of that fine line would continue to suffer, fight and die and those sitting on the other side would continue to thrive at our cost. 

I guess the way out and possibly the only way out is ….. that we change sides.

What Men Want !

You may have seen the celluloid version of the other half of  this story on screen where Mel Gibson took us though the complex thought process of the "better half" of the society. Did it ever cross your mind as to why Nancy Mayor did not opt to make ‘What Men Want’ ? Well, if you give it a thought - she would have told the answer i.e ‘Sex’ in say 5 mins – there is nothing else in the male mind to fill up for the rest 80 odd mins of the movie.

So friends, the inability of this topic to make it to the 70mm screen is pretty much the genesis of this post. [PS: Parental guidance advised before reading on.] Well in the full story, what I am trying to do it to make you understand what men want & why men want what they want and also clear a bit of smoke from the ‘Women from Venus’ myth.

State Vs Naxals – Those dying are the same, just that some are wearing “Khaki” and some “Red”

The gruesome act of killing 76 CRPF personnel by the Naxals in Dante-Wada Chhattisgarh, has kind of given a conclusive edge to the school of thoughts that justify use of force to curb the homegrown insurgency. But even in the shadow of such tangible evidence to justify the complete wipe of gun wielding extremists  or the home grown & possibly more adverse form of terrorism, a few including myself are bound to have a ambivalent approach towards such men and the situation as a whole. One might wonder as to why would someone even think twice before supporting use of force to eliminate the extremists who without blinking an eye have taken so many innocent lives over the years, the massacre of 76 CRPF men just being the most recent of their bizarre uncalled for acts. Here I discuss as to why the second thought on such action crossed my mind.

A Tribute to GOD himself – Aeeee Salaaaaa Prabhuji !

This is for all my GenX friends or to ‘Youngistan’ (a term which a out of place looking 50+ Sanjay Dutt & a under ripe Ranbeer Kapoor tried to promote without much success). So, my friends with a heightened sense of selection, who were too snobbish to dismiss courageous attempts at creativity like Rann, Houseful, Wanted, Badmash Company, Kites …. etc as a not noteworthy & Deepika Padokonish feeble shot at movie making - Am outraged on your thinking (well to be honest not as outraged as Rakhi Sawant was when Mikka went too far while checking her Lipstick flavor), so lets rephrase that am upset when such Bollyflicks are equated to an eventuality of an attempted remake of Titanic with KRK & Himesh R as lead. (Depending on the adventurous abilities of your mind you may assume at either of them at the leading end of the mast). Well don’t get me wrong I hate them too but for totally different reasons. Reason simple enough that they dont even come close to my Prabhuji. 

What? Who Prabhuji ??? Well if you really don't know your existence on planet earth till now does not have any meaning? But for now plead mercy for your sins and read on.

Growth on “X” axis !

Exactly 58 days back a pretty looking manager at the booking table of Cloud 9 Gym promised a gullible Mr.XXL a healthy lifestyle and a fit body in return of Rs.22K.  But what happened … now after about 2 months have gone by he is sill so “horizontally” existent that the Air Traffic Controller at the local Airport sights him on their radar. Read on the following post which is my inference of why people like Mr.XXL should not be seeking to reverse the growth that GOD has bestowed on them in return of their good deeds in past life and should understand that being “Horizontally challenged” is a boon,,,, much contrary to the general perception !

State Vs Naxals - Where does this end?

The closest that I have got to an inland extremist, naxalites or the Maoist is back in 2005 when traveling a few 100 km from Kolkata in the rural heartland of West Bengal our site installation team was stopped at a village road and asked to pay up taxes for passing on the road. There was no violence, in fact the octroi collectors or the traffic policemen in Mumbai are any day more rude when stopping a non MH registration vehicle in Mumbai. Those men there were normal  bangla speaking guys, dressed in pajamas & soiled shirts who would easily pass for an normal villager except for the two barrel guns hanging on their shoulders – a noticeable add-on to their attire that entitled them to run a parallel government and collect taxes on behalf of their “red” army.

All new "Honda Crosstour"

Honda's latest experiment. The first crossover utility vehicle (CUV) from the Honda stable. The shape has attracted some polar opinions. I belong to the side that kind of like it. Not confirmed as to when it would come to India though.

Detailed Review: http://www.autoblog.com/2009/11/03/2010-honda-accord-crosstour-first-drive/

Some more pics - http://www.autoblog.com/gallery/2010-honda-accord-crosstour-first-drive/#51

My Name is Stupendous

Well it seems that I have been talking nothing but movies for the past few times. But such is life dearies, maybe i did not get a topic of interest to write or maybe what I wanted to write was not interesting. Nevertheless here I am with yet another comment on perhaps one of the better made cinemas I have seen in recent times.

Vishal Bharadwaj’s ISHQIA – Viciously honest !!

The brilliance of Naseer Saab as ‘Iftekhar’, the infectious energy levels of Arshad as ‘Babban’ and the so believable Vidya Balan as ‘Krishna’ is enough to pay you back your money’s worth in full. And to top that you have the superb direction of debutant Abhishek Choubey, the magic of Gulzar-Vishal duo and the so real settings of a dusty UP village. An amazingly honest attempt by the entire team to tell you a story which is so real and told in the backdrop that makes it all the more hitting. A must watch for anyone who likes watching stories that you know can come from around you.

Salman Khan’s “Veer” (2010) – Movie Review (My Take: 2/5)

To set records straight I loved every bit of it. I mean what is there not to like – Indians wearing western outfits in 1857, protagonist running faster than horses & train,  sons enjoying the vulgar dance number of their parents.How many times have you seen this before? But the best part about this movie is its script which in my opinion can be written in a 60 word SMS ...... Twice !!!

This would be my nomination for “Ripley's Believe it or not”. Two kinds of movies work in Bollywood, one that are really well made and the other that are truly crappie.  This definitely does not fall in  the first bucket. If the only other thing left for you to do is to count your eyelashes – go and watch this in a single screen theater. The movie is unintentionally funny at pathes and you might a fun day with friends. Watching alone not advisable. BTW the only person who’s confidence this movie will boast is Himesh Reshamiya. If Salman can do this then Himesh didnt do no sin with Karzzzz and Radio.

Read on for the full review. Trust me this does not even need a spoiler alert.

Weird, but interesting

You would surely have come across this in one of the mails forwarded to you. I found it interesting enough to post it here for you. Here you go straight as i received it:

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This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too. Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. 

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

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Brij: I have no idea where the stats came from, but this indeed is interesting, isn't it.

A monk who will NOT sell his Ferrari !

How many time on Indian road have your speedometer needle kissed the 150 – 165 kmph marks consistently for close to about 15 mins ? Read on to see how it happened with my Dzire DDis on the scenic Pune-Mumbai Expressway….

Guy Ritchie’s “Sherlock Holmes” (2009) – Movie Review (My take: 8/10)

“When the dead walk, the living will fill the graves” - The movie has quite a few take home phrases but this one happens to be my favorite. I particularly liked the dead cold expression of the graveyard guard as he delivers the verdict from the skies to Sherlock & co. Sherlock Holmes - A must watch for the Victorian era lovers, The story is good, the acting makes the story believable, the screenplay is good, the scenes are straight out of history. For the casual moviegoer, it makes for a very good watch and deserves a 9/10. However if you are looking for a hard core Holmes movie or a fantastic portrayal of his character, this isnt it. Overall good value for money and time.