Saturday, March 6, 2010

Growth on “X” axis !

Exactly 58 days back a pretty looking manager at the booking table of Cloud 9 Gym promised a gullible Mr.XXL a healthy lifestyle and a fit body in return of Rs.22K.  But what happened … now after about 2 months have gone by he is sill so “horizontally” existent that the Air Traffic Controller at the local Airport sights him on their radar. Read on the following post which is my inference of why people like Mr.XXL should not be seeking to reverse the growth that GOD has bestowed on them in return of their good deeds in past life and should understand that being “Horizontally challenged” is a boon,,,, much contrary to the general perception !

The story of Mr.XXL goes that by GOD's grace and his own hard work his waist line continued to grow. One fine day he visited his tailor and he had to use 2 helpers to take the measurement of his wait. Next day he went back to that 36-28-36 something Ms.Sweetgym to reclaim his amount for failing to reduce his 'central diameter', but they countered his claim saying that he was supposed to come to the gym for them to make him look somewhat like a homo-sapien again. Can you believe it ! Clearly a fine print that XXL argued was not mentioned when they made him sign up. I mean you are taking money to make him slimmer, if he only has to come to the Gym everyday, then why the he bloody hell will he shell out a bomb. Rouges !! Why do people do this with fellow brethren with full grown bodies with a lil extra storage of FAT for bad times. Is or are there some misconception that they are dumb enough to be made a loons of ?

Well if there are let us clear a few. First and foremost – No they do not bleed gravy when cut. When they stand on a weighing machine its does not give a slip which reads - “To be continued...”. Geologists do not use their waist belt to measure earth’s diameter, Govt does not issue personal area codes for them and neither do the photographer use 5 cameras on them to get one full focus shot. Actually if you ask me a little layers around in the middle could not harm anyone. If something, the stored fat in those layers would only better the chances of survival of such “Horizontally Overgrown” people in the harsh foodless world. And with all the talks of global warming that is a sure certainty. (In fact so sure is our far sighted Indian Govt of that fact that they have disbanded the Global warming committee. But we can talk about that later). But the fact is that you may smirk looking at the stored (virtual) gold deposits around their waist now, but at those times they only would be the last men standing.

In fact not just in the finally inevitable malnourished world they are a men to look up to in any era. History is proof that two “ T’s ” are must for anyone to rise in this fiercely competitive world. “Takla” (bald) and “Tond” (tummy) are but a sign of prosperity and wealth. I have not seen a single richest man in this world whose shirt falls straight into his trousers without taking a detour at the contour round his waist. And curves anyways everyone would agree are “Sexy”.

The benefits of growing horizontally as much as you grow vertically does not just end there. The round protruded stomach can be used to place a saucer & a cup as you sip Tea of Coffee, going uphill they they can lean with their stomach against the wall while hands hold a burger & Coke, if they are tired coming downhill they can just lie down & roll, in public transport they do not have to share their seat with anyone, they cant see their shoes so they don't have to worry about their footwear, if stabbed the knife has lesser probability of puncturing their intestine causing serious damage, if punched during a fight they accumulated fat deposits helps to throw the opponent on their own rebound, they always get a big raise as their bosses realize they need to feed more than one stomach, their can have as many affairs before or after marriage as their spouses never doubt them for they have faith in their inability to score with opposite sex, while bathing water does not wet their feet so they have to wipe lesser surface area, stored fat deposits give them better chance to win survival reality shows ….. wow now as I think the list is endless.

Other than the slight inconvenience of their tummy checking those hugging them from coming too close rest all is a win-win bet for them. Even that I would say is not too bad as it protects them from bad breath !!!

Disclaimer: The opinion expressed by the writer are his true beliefs and not a counter argument or excuse to cover (his own) what the world  cruelly calls - “Obesity”.


Swati said...

Say all you want, but this wont save you from going to the Gym ..

R Athmanathan said...

Hahaha!!! Well written !!!
I dint know 'it' had so many benefits !!!