Sunday, June 13, 2010

What Men Want !

You may have seen the celluloid version of the other half of  this story on screen where Mel Gibson took us though the complex thought process of the "better half" of the society. Did it ever cross your mind as to why Nancy Mayor did not opt to make ‘What Men Want’ ? Well, if you give it a thought - she would have told the answer i.e ‘Sex’ in say 5 mins – there is nothing else in the male mind to fill up for the rest 80 odd mins of the movie.

So friends, the inability of this topic to make it to the 70mm screen is pretty much the genesis of this post. [PS: Parental guidance advised before reading on.] Well in the full story, what I am trying to do it to make you understand what men want & why men want what they want and also clear a bit of smoke from the ‘Women from Venus’ myth.

Ok so we begin..

Well those of you who have clicked on the ‘Click here to read the full article’ link with a perverted hope and drooling mindset of catching a titillating article may well be in for a momentary setback. I say setback coz for a change this one I am not writing ‘X’ rated that would do justice to the current reverse flow of blood in your body and I say momentary coz you can always IM me and I will send you "relevant" web links that will make up for the kind of mood you are in. For the rest of you, lets take this story forward.

So ‘What Men Want’?

Lets try to answer this by talking about the little cute things that make men men. Harmless little things like soiling the toilet seat, picking nose in public, farting while in lift, adjusting crouch in full public view, playing pocket billiard & pretending no one is watching, whistling while peeing, stinking the kitchen-bed-room-toilet or anything we touch, leaving wet towel on bed & then sleeping on it, wearing the same jockey for 10 days and then smelling it for 11th, going with smelly socks in closed door meetings ….. I guess you get it.

But you know, we were not always like that. If you examine evolution you'll understand what messed us up.

In the begininng of time GOD created Eden. Years later Eden created Saurav, & Saurav recreated Indian Cricket. , but then i digress ... So GOD created Eden,  he created air, water, land animals and he was happy. But you see plants and animals can do only so much. Try watching discovery or Nat Geo for a two days you’ll find even they repeat the programs. There isnt enough content. GOD tolerated that for about a million years. He even tried to jazz it by cross breeding the dinos with wooly mammoth for fun but those dumb-asses couldn't take it and became extinct.

Loosing all hopes he created the first Man - ADAM. And eureka !!! Fun came back in his life. 

You see Adam was created & put in an environment of which he had no understanding. So he kept getting himself in a spot and that, humoured GOD.

He would do these bits and GOD would laugh. He did not know what to do with a banana so he would try to take it in through all possible orifices and GOD would laugh, he would try talking to a bear and GOD would laugh, seeing calf drink milk off cows he would try sucking a bull and GOD would laugh, seeing squirrels eat nuts he would try breaking his own nuts & then wail in pain and GOD would laugh, he did not have watch so would invariably pay in full even when Domino’s delivered 2 hours late and GOD would laugh. 

In all GOD was having a nice time with what he had. And he cared about his man too. GOD was concerned that Adam did not have a companion but then he had brought him up to believe that he was supposed to be alone and GOD took all care that Adam's belief remained that way. God was happy, Adam was happy. That was the time when we Men were considered and indeed were well mannered. You might say that we were living with animals who didn't care much about our not using a mouthwash, our not brushing after eating onion, our snoring in bed, our eating with mouth open & facing the sky or our burping out loud. But then thats the ecosystem we were living in and in that society we were well mannered AND did "NOT" have sex on our mind. 

In all - GOD, his Eden, the animals, the first MAN Adam and Sardar Satnam Singh with his ‘Kake da dhaba’ at one corner of Eden were having a good time together. This happy period went on for zillions of years.

But then one monsoon season a terrible terrible thing happened. <On plain text story i can only do so much but please add sounds of thunder and lightening in backdrop for complete feel>

One rainy day Adam was taking a stroll in the park after his late dinner at Satnam’s as he passed the loin den. It was ... "The Mating Season".  The loin in an obvious hurry had forgotten to close the door behind him and had also forgotten to switch off the light. Shivers went down GOD’s spine as he saw on discovery Adam walking down the road towards Lion's den. But luckily Adam was engrossed in clearing the last stage of ‘Attack of clones’ on his PS3 and didn't take notice of the loins in heat. GOD was relieved on the disaster being averted. But then, GOD’s happiness was short lived. The loin in the den was actually the rouge hyena in loins skin and that pervert had taped his act with the lioness on his Nokia N93 and had uploaded it on the internet. GOD acted fast and a timely firewall update & proxy server prevented all animals from downloading it.

But little did GOD know, that the damage had been done.

Adam had seen it on his Blackberry Bold 2, 2 mins after it was uploaded on You Tube !

Adam’s saw it many times over. The world collapsed around him. He felt cheated. He felt used. He realised that the part that his user manual labeled as a tap for excess water - had more functions to it. He felt like he would puke. It was all very confusing for him. It was like,, It was like giving you a baseball bat but not allowing you to swing, it was like giving free internet at office but blocking all soft porn sites & downloads, it was like sending you overseas for work by Air but limiting your travel to ‘Economy’ & stay to 'budget hotels', it was like your office reimbursing your phone bills but putting a upper cap of Rs.2000/-, it was like your office giving you a laptop but giving control of ur desktop wallpaper to HR, it was like your boss accepting your elf evaluation during appraisal as 5/5 but giving you a final rating of 3, it was like being hired for a 8 hrs/day job and then getting calls at 2 AM in the night to work on a urgent board presentation, it was like being a product manager and in reality doing sales & commercial operations,  it was like,,,, it was like getting stabbed in the back  …. like treason. 

He stopped eating, drinking, shaving and responding to official emails. Sunrise lost its beauty, sky lost its charm, dancing animals didn't steer him, chirping birds didn't cheer him. He was now sad all the times and stopped doing bits that earlier, used to amuse GOD. But more than anything, what made it worse for GOD was that poor Adam started having morning erections every morning and also abruptly anytime during the day. It became impossible for GOD to watch discovery channel with his family. GOD’s wife was extremely annoyed on its effect it on the little children. She threatened to discontinue the channel and sue discovery. Now 'Dolly Bindra' had'nt yet joined Bigg boss and discovery was all that GOD had. He could'nt afford to loose it.

That’s when GOD decided to create a mate for ADAM. That's when he decided to create ... <wait> ... <insert lightening & thunder> ..."A Woman" !!! 

Now the truth is, that at that time the world economy had taken a major hit, the Goldman Sacs of the world had doomed, the cash flow for GOD was'nt too bright either, the investors were backing off and none of the strategic & operational changes that McKinsey had suggested were looking to bring a turn around. In short there were no funds to import raw material for Woman from Venus.

But GOD was GOD. If nothing else he had a smart mind in his white head. He outsourced the production to a far-off cost cutting heaven ..‘India’.

Gossip is that the Indian firm on pretext of examination of original product to be duplicated - took the raw material from Adam’s rib’s – packaged it as import from Venus – sent it to China for lean base build – did mental programming at Infy Bangalore, and in all got a just in time output as ‘EVE’. Anecdote is that actually the project team lead Aiyappa Murugan Venkatesh Subramaniyan Swami wanted to name the product ‘EYE’ which would symbolize the new outlook towards word that it would impart to Adam. But to save cost the printing was done done in Korea by a guy not so good in English, who mis-spelt it as ‘EVE’. 

That's how the first women was born from Adams ribs and sent to Eden.

So now that you know of the circumstances under which EVE was made and sent to Adam, can you really blame Adam or the subsequent men for having only one thing on their mind? Something that they had been deprived of for millions of years? 

So you see I have conclusively proven that the whole Venus story is nothing but a myth, and the one thing that Men have on their mind is an instinct curbed over millions of years of evolution.

Moral of the story is that if you press anything, it is bound to bounce back.

See, these perverted minds make even the most sincere moral above also sound dirty. Statistics say 90% of those who got that ........... are Men !


Brijesh said...

Now I have received a few humble requests to kill me after reading this, but please understand that expecting anything else from my pen was actually asking a bit too much.

R Athmanathan said...

haha.. Lovely.. :-) The mix of real world events in this epic story makes it lively..

Well written..

Now please pass on the other websites where we can get the 'real' stuff that we came looking for !!!

Simi said...

I should not have read it i guess..
Nevertheless ... good writing

Brijesh said...

LoL, thanks for your kind words but I have heard nonsensism is a kind of humor writing. worth a shot in type classing this. what do you say.

BTW I have a absolute contrast for you in

sometimes i also talk sense.

pooran said...

Too good Birju.. liked the "it was like" part very much.. u kind of got carried away...

sneha said...

Wow!!! Have been quite some time since i laughed this much. The article is sheer nonsense,, and that's the magic of it. Anyone who has picked a pen would know its not at all easy writing in this tone.

I admired it even more when i read this and your "State Vs Naxals" piece. You have got amazing breadth.Great work.Keep it up.

nAuGhTyPrEeTs said...


I like the way u think!

Well written

Amit said...

A.W.E.S.O.M.E,,, Just as i was about to dismiss you as a total loss of investment you justified my being friends with you. Now keep writing to keep you somewhat worthy. lol

Tanvi said...

Even though it was disgusting...I really liked the way you expressed..