Break in the News.

If you like subtle humor, present day news is not your fodder.

They may be unintentional but they are so obvious on your face, the ha-ha boom kind.

Well there was a time (remember an extinct species - Door Darshan? [link]) when we had proper English speaking news anchors who maintained the same expressionless face whether reporting the news of India completing a successful moon mission or that of our president dying.

Their lips moved to vomit out written text but their face had a constant - ‘We don't give a tiny rat’s ass.’ look. Yet, their impassive and impersonal act of news-reading, on retrospect, is in my opinion a better approach to news anchoring than the impassionate, highly personal and uninhibitedly theatrical modern day newscasters now.

Back then we had news readers and now we have news anchors. (The Job title shit .. umm sorry, shift says it all)

Back then we had News [link], and now …. well, and now we have Arnab (Times Now)!

Well not differentiating the present breed of news anchors or news channels on the basis of extent of absurdity they display, I definitely have no specific issues with Arnab Goswami [link] in particular, but I do want to ask him this. (Mind you, you might have to watch one of his debate at 9PM at least once, on Times now to appreciate the questions.)

Why must a he behave like a dog denied in heat, on a national television at prime time?

That too when delivering the most nonsensical pieces in the name of journalism?

Why does he feel he is repaying his mother’s milk debt by contradicting anything & everything that his guests say (believe it or not but he contradicts even when they are agreeing with him. Freak !!).

Why does any two incidents, for example (a) Hafeez Saeed, The mastermind  of Mumbai terror attacks roaming free in Lahore and (b) Rahul Mahajan beating his second (won in auction!) wife Dimpi draw the same level of lunatic hyper excitement from him.

And on Arnab’s behalf I want to ask GOD this - ‘GOD why even when I try so hard to sound intelligent, I always comes across as rather dumb?’

But then GOD may not answer him, coz accept this, now, even GOD starts laughing uncontrollably on just hearing Arnab’s voice, never stopping or caring to hear what he is actually saying.

GOD’s point is: “Screw it, he is Arnab, he wont be making any sense anyways !!"

And on Arnab, I must say, if he continues like this for 6 more month, am sure he can patent the curse – What the Arnab! Which usually would be followed by ha-ha-ha, WTF, ROTFL,Bitch-hi-5s and finally concluded by shooting oneself in the head.

Anyways while brother Arnab takes time to introspect on my profound questions directed to him lets, take a look at the rest of his brethrens, who by no means are any less of a competition to his stupid self.

Picture this, Late night on (plug in any name INDIATV/AajTak/StarNews/ZeeNews/Sahara/Timenow …), an evidently deranged voice launches a tirade at the unsuspecting viewer:

‘Dilli ki behno samhal jao, wo vehashi hawas ka pulta hai firak mein. Ghar se kadam bahar bhi nikala to jhelna  hoga khooni Balatkar’

Loosely translated as: “Beware ‘O’ Sisters in Delhi, a estrogen charged maniac is out on prowl. If you dare to step outside your homes, you would be brutally raped’

or else there would be a audibly surprised & charged-up voice pleading you to share their disbelief:

“Bakriyon se baaten karta tha Bhooshanlal ka behra beta!!!”

Loosely translated as: “Bhooshanlal’s deaf son conducted conversations with goats!!!”

And if you think am stretching this too far watch this - [link]. In the midst of Mumbai Terror attacks it was only India TV’s creative genius who could think of sharing the plights of Pigeons. While you have to watch the video to believe it, here is the gist:

“Ladai to do desho ki hai, aakhir hum kabootaro ka dosh kya hai?”

Loosely translated as: “The fight is between nations, what is the fault of us pigeons?”

We may choose to laugh at all this but considering that this, in different intensity of lameness across channels of course, is indeed the real state of News Industry, the situation is far from being funny.

The above may be extremes of insanity presented in the name of news today and there for sure is a wide spectrum with Pranoy Roy-NDTV and Rajat Sharma-India TV as the two extremes ends but majority of what is in the middle will most definitely not qualify as Journalism by any stretch of imagination and to me it leaves a want for a little shift towards for the good old DD days.

The DD guys came on our tubes at a scheduled time everyday and did just what we expected of them and what they were paid for- read the news. Unlike the present day newscasters – self-anointed saviors of humanity and the last surviving hope of all things just & democratic.

Whatever they did the DD news readers never had their own take on any issue. Or let me rephrase that – the DD news readers never imposed their own take on any issue.

They followed the archaic yet true definition of journalism- the collection and dissemination of information -nothing more, nothing less.

Not that the DD era as-is is was what we would want or can work today but there still has to be a better balance, a sane marriage of equals between true, sensible & responsible journalism AND the money making intent of corporate running these news factories.

That's all for now or should I say - ‘Chain se sona hai to ab jaag jao’ . If loosely translated in English with the all worked-up expression of the gentleman [link] in question, it would read – "’If you want to sleep peacefully please throw some ice cold water of your face, give yourself some electric shocks directly from the mains with ur feet still immersed in water and GET UP !'”

I don't know how the hell that would even work.

To conclude, here is a interesting take on today’s ‘Sansanikhez’ [link]news industry. Might be a stretch but still.

Enjoy !