Tuesday, February 12, 2013

An Inconvenient Truth ...

Yes its true ... (pause) ... Mr.Watson poops in office !

No no, I am not saying, all around the office floor in a medically challenged way. I mean, he is no doubt a respected senior colleague. And I am not suggesting that it is like, one day you are in conference room with 10 people doing win-loss analysis for the last quarter and then suddenly he jumps on the table, squats and decides to have a go.

No ... Am not saying that (head shake)

What I am telling you however, is that he is one of those rare few who uses office toilet to take his first dump of the morning.

And this is how I know it - See, I am early bird and I like many others have a set routine. For the last 2 years I come to office early, setup my work desk and then go to the men's room to tidy up and wash the train journey off my hands. And every-time just as am done & right when the hand dryer is shutting down with that dying woosh sound, this uncanny welsh accent greets me; "Gud Mornin Brejash, Al well !!' and in the front mirror I see Mr.Watson coming out of the last loo cubicle, adjusting his belt ... Every Single Day

For the first few months I took it as a co-incidence & played along, generally replying along with my weird office laugh; "Morning Mr.Watson, I see you just completed your boss's appraisal !" or "Hey Mr.Watson, saving some water at home are we. ehh?" or some crap like that.

But with time I have noticed 'a' pattern and have arrived at the conclusion that there is a good chance that Mr.Watson construes the option of taking his first morning bowel movement in office Toilet as a job perk. Sad as it may be,, that is the truth.

Emotionally, for me, the realization was very disturbing.

Time although is a great healer and over the months I have sort of come to terms with the fact that I am the sole custodian of what perhaps is the most smelly of my office's secrets.

But what I can not deal with is - HIS UNFLINCHING OBSESSION OF SYNCHRONIZING HIS END OF SHOW TO MY WASHING OF HANDS !!!

That is Disgusting! Preposterous !! Gross !!! Bloody, some sort of a twisted fetish stunt that he is pulling on me !!!

I mean who does that to a colleague??

I swear I have started to get this creepy feeling that the last bit effort of his morning pleasure is now in some kinky way linked to the scent I wear and or the near perfect sound of me blow drying my hands.

It is as if he sits there waiting for me and on the days that I don't come to office he just refuses to come out !!

Freak !!! ... I feel so used ... So violated.

And all this for no obvious fault of mine.

I have been and to this day remain, a firm believer of Toilet karma. I know your Toilet sins have to be repaid in the same life. In a different Toilet maybe, yes, but definitely in the same life.

And I am sure that in my lifetime I have not wronged anyone in there, to deserve this.

I mean yes there was that one time when I did sprinkle my Vice President Mr.Seethi in the Mumbai Office. But that was different. And by any standards this is too harsh a punishment for an innocent mistake.

What?? .. O the sprinkle .. Ahh, well it was nothing .. Forget I said that .. A minor accident if you may.

.. Ok Ok, if you must know, it happened in Oct 2010.

Flashback ...

15th October 2010, Mumbai. That day, I was in an awesome mood for no obvious reasons. I had an amazing morning workout at Gym and came to office still listening to my iPOD.

I clearly remember it was our Mumbai office Toilet on Floor 6. I had gone to take a leak and standing next to me at the adjascent urinal was our Vice President, Mr.Seethi. It was one of those Toilets you know where the urinals do not have that partition in between. Not a uncommon feature in Men's Toilet if you ask me. 

Both of us were minding our own business. I was listening to music. My iPOD playing the last bit of Govinda and Salman Khan's "Soni De Nakhre" from the movie Partner. 

I went on to take my position, aimed right and then closed my eyes to let things take their own course and lost myself to the music. 

Everything was going fine and nothing could or should have gone wrong. I mean it is a well rehearsed routine perfected over the years. I can do it in my sleep. I mean, no I don't do it in my sleep,  but eh ... Its like .. I mean ... arrgggg, you know what I meant.

Anyways.

So everything was normal ... And then, 'it' happened ... All within a matter of seconds.

I was maybe fraction of a second into my 'act' - the iPOD was on full blast - then abruptly the current song playing ended - and almost instantly the track changed to 'Jalwa' from Salman Khan's movie Wanted - First Drum routine from the 'Jalwa' number hit me at full volume - The effect only magnified by my Bose headphones ...

Instantly, in that unpredictable and sudden turn of events, Mr Seethi's fate was sealed. 

Two things I learnt that day. One - you can not stop the flow just micro seconds into the act of peeing and Two - with the bigul & the drum rolls sequence in the first 15 seconds of the 'Jalwa' track you cannot stop your body from moving and your hips swaying all over the place.

Mr Seethi claims he did yell, to the extent of invoking my first family in a typical Delhi Punjabi style but I could not hear any of it over the music volume in my ears. I was in my zone. My trance, matched in intensity, only by the tranquility of a Buddhist monk.

Mr Seethi apparently had his career progression meeting with the CEO which he missed, having had to rush back home for change of pants & shoes.

.... End of Flashback

But that was then. Even then it was not as if I did it on purpose or have not already paid the price in my 2010-11 appraisals. I have since moved to a different office in my profession and a much higher level of restrain in personal life.

From my end I have long forgiven Mr.Seethi.

But without doubt what Mr.Watson is doing here, is wrong. I was scarred by Mr.Seethi incident for nearly 2 years and just as my life is returning to normalcy, he is again making me Coprophobic.

AUR YE, ACCEPTABLE NAHI HAI ...

I do not want to spend the rest of my Toilet life in an ever prevalent threat hanging on my head of me accidentally peeing all over a senior board member or instead end up getting molested myself by a serial Pooper.

When I visit the Toilet the next time, like every man and woman,  I have every right to look forward (without fear) -
To that quirky jittery sensation in the end of every-time I pee !!


(Disclaimer: Some names and locations appearing in the story may or may not have been changed to protect identity. The author cannot accept or deny the incidents that led to this work of literature. The author also solemnly refuses to bow down to HR pressure and be held accountable for expenses towards any shoes or trousers that may have been soiled in the making of this work of art. The story itself varies in authenticity from being a true representation of real life incidents to being a mere literary documentation of a bad dream which felt so real as if seen in full HD.)

(Acknowledgement: Mr.Watson for his poop punctuality that was the genesis of this article. Office cleaning staff for using miraculous room freshner which makes washroom accessible even post Mr.Watson. Mr.Seethi for his reluctance to deal with some moisture. And the countless amazingly mind numbing conference calls that push me to write rubbish pieces like this for release.)

4 comments:

Archana Avaneendran said...

lol...very funny and entertaining..

Arch said...

Lol..very funny and entertaining..

specs buffy said...

Ha haaaaa...
Learnt 2 lessons from this...
1) never step into a toilet without partition...
2) never listen to music...while in the act!!!

Sujatha Sathya said...

Hehehe the synchronization :D
Good fun read