Sunday, January 29, 2012

Dear Sender, I will be Out of Office …

Well you may have often come across people working in MNCs, complaining about their hectic lifestyle, whining about the odd working hours or moaning about those oddly timed conference calls running past midnight. They make their work life look like hell as if each workday they go to office and are made to watch CSI, CSI Miami, CSI NY and C.I.D back to back all day long. Let me tell you the truth. They are all liars … Ah, well most of them are.

Well yes, the life working in an Organization with work interests spread across continents and time zones can be hard but only if you are not smart enough about what you position yourself into. Under the projected back breaking work schedule and the false facade of rough life what such companies offer you is a rare opportunity for those who can find it - to make their work calendar look sexier than Madhuri & Vinod Khanna’s kiss in Dayawan.  

Lost ?? Eh, Let me illustrate.

Over the next few pictures I will impart wisdom that you’ve never been exposed to and will enlighten you to attain nirvana in this very life if you can find the right company, the right profile and the right location.

The main and only trick is -- TO HAVE YOUR BOSS IN A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE !!

That scenario my friends, is the holy grail of the superior-subordinate relationship, the epitome of work satisfaction and that actually is the very life that Sri Sri Ravi Shankar tries to take you to through the ‘Art of Living’ – the life without any stress, worry or anxiety !!

PS: Expecting your boss’s boss to be in a third time zone all together would in all honesty be an overkill, but if you can find it, it would be like having multiple orgasms without you even being a part of love making. But then I must caution you. Over the ages, millions of mortal cubicle dwellers have ruined their lives & careers in search of such a highly improbable scenario … its like … its like a Yeti or a Big Foot, we know its possible & out there, but then who has seen it ??? ... Sigh!

Anyways, Lets Begin:

Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real person, living (in London, working at Old Bailey for a company starting with T and with his bosses in India) or dead, is purely coincidental.

Imagine if you may, yourself to be a Data Center Product Manager working in UK, supporting the regions of UK, APAC, India & US with his bosses are in India.

Here’s what the individual public holiday calendars for India, Singapore, UK and US look like for 2012:

Holidays All

Now the fun is not in the Individual calendars, but is in the fact that your total non-working days would be a carefully drawn superset in the composite view diagram of the above four calendars. The non-working days superset thus would be a superimposition of these 4 calendars into one whilst being governed by the following hypothesis: You would not be working if (#1) your region is off, (#2) region you are supporting is off and (#3) your boss’s region is off.

However extending the hypothesis (#3) to your boss, your boss would not be working when your boss’s  boss’s region is off. So we add one more hypothesis of not working as when (#4) your boss’s boss’s region is off.

Now if you combine the 4 calendars along with the above hypothesis into one superset, here’s what you get … Taaadaaaaa  !!!

Holidays_Merge

137 days of blissful holidays …

But, Did I say I was done? … No I am not.

What we have missed is, that the darling that such Companies are they would also offer you 20-25 annual paid leaves and about 10-12 Sick leaves. So why don’t we throw them in the mix and see what it does … Whoa !!!

Holidays_Merge 2 

… 205 holidays !!! Looks beautiful isnt it …

But hey, Did I say I was done yet ? … Well, No I am not.

We all know what weekends mean to us. “But you have already included sat-sun in the above holidays”; you’ll say. Yes I have but here’s what you missed. The day that brings it all – Friday !!

That my friends, along with the fact that whether or not your bosses in India likes it, the earth would always spin about its axis. So every Friday it would already be past mid day his day in India when you get up & ready to hit work in UK. His weekend would already be knocking on his door. And then you would already be drawn into the weekend mode past mid-day your day by the time US gets up & ready to work. So in all there’s hardly anything that you’ll accomplish on a Friday. So why don’t we be practical and throw them in too …

Holidays_Merge 3

So you’ve got to work 112 days a year.

Something does not seem right?

O yes, when we are adding the Fridays, how can we forget the regional holidays … Haan ??

Counting regional holidays & election days for India alone can change the above equation dramatically. Before I stopped keeping count, India had  28 states and 7 union territories and we go to elections more frequently that we celebrate Diwali !! And its not just India that will give you these unexpected off days.United Kingdom for example is not due anytime soon to increase the IQ of an average Brit, to become more than slow stammering 5 year old. So you can always expect this country to come dancing on streets, united in their looniness, every time a prince gets married OR a queen completes yet another decade of rule OR every time the British supreme court lifts the super-injunction off a football legend, thus making it legal for media to publically share pics/videos/tweets of his infidelity with his <insert one of the following> (brother’s/friend’s/captain’s/teammate’s/neighbor’s) <insert one of the following> (Wife/Fiancé/Sister/Mother/Brother(??)).

Am telling you even by a modest guesstimate of 30 off days a year against this bracket including all regions wont be a overkill. So here’s what you are left with:

Holidays_Merge 4

So my friends in all you have about 290 holidays and a total of 76 working days … 76 !!

That’s like 7 days per month !!! Those late night conference call with US are suddenly not looking that bad, eh ??

But then, did I say I was done yet? … Well, No as a matter of fact I am not.

Now while the above work calendar already looks better than the best front foot cover drive that ever came out from Tendulkar's bat, there’s still more.

See, my dear statistics believing friends, probability tells us that there is no chance that the 25 annual leaves and 12 Sick leaves of yours that you have mapped on the above superset would sync perfectly to a similar calendar of your boss and your boss’s boss when they map their annual leaves & sick leaves on to their respective supersets. So their would be a maximum of 37 leave days of your boss’s boss when your boss would be not-working and another maximum of 37 leave days  of your boss when your boss would not be working.

Lost??

Leave it, all am saying is that by extension a maximum of 74 additional days Days can be added to hypothesis (#3).

Even if you take a modest view and include just 15 – 20% of the above to convert as holidays, it would give like a total of 52 days to work in a year.

ONLY 52 WORKING DAYS PER YEAR !!!

That’s, That’s like 1 days per week !!!!  < wink .. wink :) >

Do I even need to share a pic for that view ??

Well, now while penning this article 2 months ahead of my annual appraisal in March may not have been the smartest thing I have done off late, but it sure has been liberating. So while am at it, let me also say what am going to say now - If you thought that I was done and you would definitely need to work for at least 54 days a year … you most certainly don’t deserve this position.

See for any MBA graduate worth his salt - to make 1 excuse per week to not to come to office,,, is what an upper cut is to Sehwag or what head butting is to Zidane .. It their natural instinct.

So all am saying is that if you have it in you to make 1 excuse per week, you’ve have got a job at hand that will give you the one thing, that William Wallace died fighting for all his life – FREEDOM !!!

But please o please do be innovative in those last minute frantic calls to your boss. Explore your mind and you can easily avoid the clichéd ‘not-well’, ‘struck in traffic jam’ or ‘death in family’, to come up with gems of excuses that will become case studies for generations to come.

Illustrated Example: Monday morning 9:15 AM, just when you know your boss is about to inquire reason of your being offline from office communicator, you call him; “Hey chief, I wont be going to office today, the wireless broadband guy is coming in to troubleshoot … helloooo … hellooo … hey, droping signal in lift … hellooo … <Click. Disconnect>”. Now if you’ll carefully observe, what you’ve done is that in a stoke of genius you’ve not only delivered a master excuse to not turn up in office for the day (any boss would shudder at the possibility of you not having internet at home) but also subtly mentioned that you would not even be working from home for that day (its the wireless broadband that is not working remember !!).

I have more of these masterstrokes but that calls for a separate post altogether.       

Anyways,  now before I end let me tell you I am looking to hire someone in Singapore. Remember, I am in UK and my boss is in India .. Send me your resumes if you’re interested !!!

33 comments:

Swati said...

ha ha blowed away my mind ! you've made me loooveeeee my job ... a task nobody could achieve in yeaarrrssss!!! u'v done the world a huge favour by giving it this epiphany :-)

Rakesh said...

HIllarious, just hillarious, Just can't stop laughing ... U rock bro !!

Manish said...

I am very much interested in working for you. Please consider this as my formal application ... Amazing thought and wonderfully written. Loved your excuse, really smart LoL !!

R Athmanathan said...

Shaabash! Your company needs to rethink its data center strategy all over again !!
Oh by the way, I am in singapore :-)

Saurabh A said...

Awesomeeeeee Article.


very well written.

Brijesh said...

@Manish Thanks you are hired :)

Brijesh said...

@Athma, would convey your concerns to concerned.
@Saurabh thanks bro

Champ said...

Unbelievably hilarious :) Toooooo Good :) Birju keeps rocking his world :)

Brijesh said...

@champ, Glad you found it interesting. How the new parenting treating you?

Rishav Sinha said...

Cool...

Brijesh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rambling Of A Single Girl In The City said...

Wow! I'm not working right now.. But I wish I was .. very well written and I don't mind working for u. However I'm not in Singapore :(

Akansha said...

Haha. One of the best office humors I've ever read. Knowing u has not been a total loss after all, lol, this blog is the best gift to ur friends, (not that u've ever given anything else to anyone for that matter)
U rock man !! Do try n write more regularly .

Priyan said...

Please tell me you have been fired by now .. Would be good for us as you would then have more time to write :) ... An absolute treat to read. Am still laughing.

Rahul Bhatia said...

Very enjoyable post which I hope you would not let your boss review in March !

CD!!! said...

OMG!!!! hahaha........Just loved it! Everyone will start loving their jobs after reading this and thanks for the comment on my blog:)

phatichar said...

Bwuhahahaha...hilarious..

Seriously, man! This was too much...

kinara said...

Just two words :
HILARIOUS and AWESOME!

*Hope these two convey my "wooowwwww" and a big "LOLOLOL " too :P*

Emm said...

This almost made me want to work......like I said *almost* ;)

Abhinav said...

hahah, cant stop laughing.

Anyone & everyone working in UK with bosses in India need to read this, this will make their work look so cool. You rock bro. More posts please ....

Nirvana said...

Good Lord! Am I glad I stumbled upon this post! Ofcourse I want to send my resume - one day a week? You sure your boss can't see what you are writing? :-)

Deferred Brilliance said...

Thank you all. Glad you liked it :)

My bosses have not read it so far (i guess?), which is obvious from the fact that my paycheck for the month arrived and got credited without me having to use my .22 bore (yet!).

Sujatha Sathya said...

super hilarious post (though bit lengthy & the many colorful calendars caused a minor blur)
thanks for all the gyan Guruji most of us are hopefully closer to nirvana now :D

Saru Singhal said...

LOL...Have to share it with my husband. He works with Japan, India and Europe on 2-3 days a week. We are in US right now. He can modify what you elaborated. Thanks a ton for this life saver...

Ramya said...

LOL HiFi...
HiFi, But I never crib about my work :D I love it ;)Month end shopping how else can I afford ya!!!!!!!!!!

Ashwini C N said...

c

♫♪♥PhilO♥♪♫ said...

Haha this was smart :)
In India, with the number of festivals, I think there are many holidays anyways :P But ya, that's not enough for anyone :D

sumitra said...

Awesome! Where were you and where was this post when I was working for a corporate? Oh well, but I did work in India and my boss was very much here, so I don't think this would have worked anyway. Brilliant, nevertheless.

Ashwini C N said...

My God. That was absolutely brilliant.Luved reading it :-) What an idea Sir ji. How did you come up with such an idea, which most of us would have never even imagined before? :-)

Emm said...

That sure was funny and what was better was that I couldn't really place the movie from which it was taken! Btw, feeding those virtual fishes does no good except making the page take a bit more time in loading

subtlescribbler said...

LOL..first time here and all i can is 'this went wayyyy above my head' for 2 reasons :

1) am still not working
2) I skipped it in some parts coz holidays dont allure me much being a college student :P

rest, i loved ur out of the box thinking, would definitely contact u once i start working and get sick of it! following u !


sarah

Sahana Rao said...

LOL LOL LOL LOL! Smart guy...! Loved the writing

Revacious said...

Hilarious!! But I fear you've made me have some unrealistic expectations from my career once I start working.. :D