Monday, December 24, 2012

Thanks Meenu Kalra, this time for VIAGRA !!

Viagra Open Letter of thanks to Ms.Meenu Kaur Kalra

How should I thank all you men & women who over the years, by intruding my inbox, have helped me to pick the best holiday, not miss a paid seminar, opt for the best insurance scheme, buy the best property in chincpokli, alerted me from drinking Pepsi-Coke-Juices-Alcohol or water and largely for keeping me in best of health by sharing info on best of medicine that i don't need.

Just today you, Ms.Meenu Kalra (mkaurkalra@gmail.com) landed in my inbox, helping me with all the information on generic Viagra, containing Sildenafil Citrate, which enables men with erectile dysfunction to sustainably beat nature for prolonged period. In your mail you go on to tell me that since it became available, Viagra has been single biggest support for avoiding unwarranted lack of enthusiasm.

How your kind self assumed, that I would be the perfect buyer for you (no pun intended) remains a mystry but I would like to thank you for the brochure your shared. I was rather amused by the names on the colorful pills which in my understanding are all but means to attain the same stiff ... err ... stuff.

Anyways if anything your mail did offer me a few smiles. Thanks for that and please do read on.

The naming of your product stack, Ms Meenu Kalra, is a marketing genius. There is the length & breadth that'll "please" one and all.

There is a ‘Pink Viagra’ clearly playing on the color preference of the direct 'end' customer of the product, a ‘Viagra Super Flow’ clearly addressing buyers expectation from the product. There is ‘Sleepwell Herbal-X-Analx’ for patrons seeking the implied meaning and you also have ‘Human growth hormones’ for the dumb heads who just won't get the 'wink' 'wink'.

While ‘Viagra Soft tabs’ may be the only oxymoron, ‘Viagra Lowcal’ is a sheer work of genius which am sure opens up a whole new market for the tabs.

And this is just a sneak preview of your stock. Don’t even get me started on ‘Petcam Oral Suspension’ & other such gems. 

Kudos on the names. If just the names can trigger epileptic bursts of electricity in the temporal lobe, I can only imagine what the pills do. 

On the whole an amazing product I must say which I don't know if you know is also super secure from any kind of theft. Assuming even if a shipment of yours ever gets stolen, all that police needs to do is go look for "hardened" criminals. 

The government I’ve heard is doing their bit and helping you by ensuring that any criminals stealing your pills get a "stiff" punishment. 

Now only if you can close the loop with a natural business extension product to your pills. That is by financing the development of a pill for women that will make elderly, ugly and fat men ... desirable. You do that and  I can assure you that all your coming generations would ever do is watch the "coming in and going out" of cash.

Anyways, honestly being some sort of a marketing guy myself I have no problems whatsoever with such promo mailers, although some recipients are harsh enough to put a blanket spam label on it.

They just don't understand that marketing and emailers especially is an "hard" art.

And you Meenu Kalra an samurai, "riding" on that art like a cowgirl.

But Samurai sword may sometimes get stuck and you and your co-samurais need put in some extra "lubricants" to make it work.

To begin with, a simple check on mailing list will help your cause.

For example a quick sort by gender would help your ‘Tampoons' mailers not landing up in Mr.Uday Shankar Pandey’s mailbox. You may have a brilliant product but (and no disrespect) he would never appreciate your "free flowing" articulation.

Or for that matter, don’t send ‘New Age Banking Solution’ promo mailer from your leading SI client to chamkibillo@gmail.com & lostbullet@untrainedguns.com, trust me they will not take it.  

Remember there is a thin line that divides you from the GOD sent angels who promise to transfer a million dollars to my bank account, and you must maintain that difference.

But if I think of it, even without that effort you should be pleased for not being at the epicenter of the #WTF pyramid. In fact in your close knit fraternity you would only be third to the "Tele-Callers"who of course are topped by "Tele-shopping".

While your irritating Tele-Calling cousins have been extremely helpful in getting me out of even more irritating meetings, am most thankful to your brethren at the "Tele-Shopping Network".

Thanks to them now I know why my confidence was low, or why there were no rains last year and or why Chandresh Joshi of Flat#31 has 4 broken marriages & still no children (this may have something to do with your product too BTW!). It was all because of a bloody evil eye! And now they have a ready solution with Nazar Suraksha Kawach. In Rs.2345 with Rs.125 as postal & handling charges extra I can now be perfectly safe from the mean eyes of Pushpa Mausi who's only intention of coming to my happy moments is to curse them with her evil eye.

Well, only if Harry Poter had it, it would have saved poor J.K.Rowling from writing seven long books for saving the cursed boy (am sure Pushpa Mausi cursed him too!) from ‘he-who-must-not-be-named’.

But then maybe we can talk about these two #WTFs in details when we meet over a cup of coffee and tablespoon of your pills. I understand from your brochure that there wouldn’t be much of sleeping after the pills anyways.

So lets wait till then ..

For now w.r.t you current mail Ms.MeenuKalra, thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to "poke" your nose in my business. It appears however (and on this i also speak on behalf of missus) that we have no immediate requirement of any such pill to do any "poking" of our own.

But hey with all the competition closing in, you might want to try your luck with Microsoft.  

For me, thanks but no thanks.

Best Regards.

Brijesh
5 Feet and "11" inches

9 comments:

R Athmanathan said...

Too good !! Nicely balanced with humour..

The intended and unintended puns are a pleasure(??) to read..

Keep writing and if ever you feel the need for stimulation for writing (& otherwise), there is Meenu Kalra Oops Meenu kalra's products... :-)

sneha said...

Soooper Hillarious !! Amazing observations & immaculate articulation. Do write more often pleeeeeease.

If u are taking requests on topics, Would love a seperate post on Teleshopping for sure, on 'Pehle mein bahut mota tha...' breed.

Varun said...

Too good bro !! Rib tickling yet so true. You have got the knack. Keep it going.

pooran said...

hmmm, Push PA aur Mausi.. i got confused there .. and u could have written 11" tall & not long .. but that mundane and not your type .. time well spent reading ur blog..

Manish said...

Lol I know where Mr.Uday Shankar Pandey came from. Boy we did send him some nasty ones :)

How have you been. Brilliant Writing BTW. Am hooked on for more already !!

Priyanka said...

Liked the post. Intelligently funny. I liked ur "state vs Naxals" posts better. U write better when writing serious stuff. Keep writing !

mayank said...

You crack me up man, *takes a bow*.I so love coming back here again and again .

Vineeta Yashswi said...

Good idea to make post on such a mails...

Saru Singhal said...

ROFL...Actually if not anything, seriously her mail gave us all a nice laughter.

Wishing you a happy new year.