Wankhede stadium refuses to host any games not involving Marathi Manoos

Mumbai: In a dramatic turn of events, just when cricket fans across the globe were beginning to rest their fears of Wankhede stadium not being ready in time for the world cup, post reassuring presence of Union Agriculture Minister and International Cricket Council president Sharad Pawar at the stadium, Wankhede stadium refused to make itself ready to host any match involving Non-Marathi Manoos on its soil. Citing Vinod Kambli’s and Romesh Pawar’s omission from the national world cup squad as one of the many prominent reasons for its stands, the stadium politely but sternly voiced its non-cooperation to hold any match that has less than 16 of the playing 22 as non-marathi outsiders. ‘Thats just a 75% reservation we are talking about leaving enough space for others and BCCI & ICC should consider it if they want to hold any world cup matches on my chest’ stadium said addressing the media. With BCCI president Shashank Manohar’s reasonably valid argument; ‘How the @#$% is than even possible in a Canada Vs New Zealand and New Zealand Vs Sri Lanka Match?’ falling on deaf ears, the fate the two mentioned world cup league matches scheduled at Wankhede is uncertain.

When contracted, sources known to be close to Wankhede confirmed that though there are many reasons for this extreme step but most recently a North Indian rookie Virender Sehwag running out marathi mulga Sachin Bhau and then himself going on make 175 runs in the world cup openor just tipped the boat. Stadium itself went on record to say ‘Disat Naahi Kaa, the fact that the 175 run record was earlier also held by a North Indian Kapil Dev with questionable English skills, only add to my argument of the suppression of Marathi manoos for years.’

Virender Sehwag’s mother when contacted expressed her sadness on this entire episode in the world cup opener and requested cricket fans across the country not to read too much into the run out. On record she said; “Arre wo to chote se aisa hi hai, moodi,, jab man nahi hoga to viruuu viruuuu bulate raho peeche se, wo sunega hi nahi.*smiles* Ho gayi hogi koi baat Sachin aur us ke beech mein match se pehle, bas nahi bhaga wo.*laughs* Shararati kahin ka.” 

The acute stand from the stadium however has triggered sharp reactions from all wakes of life.

BJP spokesperson releasing a official press statement said; ‘We demand a Joint Parliamentary Probe (JPC) into why Wankhede was alloted the games at the first place without a proper debate in the parliament. According to rough calculations by our honorable senior party member and leader of opposition in Rajya Sabha Mr.Arun Jaitly it has caused a loss of Rs.200,000 cr. to the national exchequer”. When contacted Arun Jaitly just said a concise ‘PM is weak’ and ‘We are doing great work in Gujarat’

Uma Bharti & Sushma Swaraj when told of the sad stand of the stadium, took an oath to cut all their hairs if their brethrens from Canada, New Zealand and Srilanka were not allowed to play at Wankhede for the league matches. Repeated queries from our end failed to get more clarity on - hairs on what part of the body were they was talking about, if they would cut each other hairs in public and how the @#$% are Canadians, Kiwis and Lankans their brethren.

Manoj Bajpayee when contacted just said; “Karara Jawaab Milega!”. Why he was contacted at the first place is being investigated.

Amar Singh labeled the incident as a sad mark in the history of the game in India. Through our reporter he issued a open request to the stadium; ‘Dear Wankhede, if you have anything against the north Indians why don’t you act in mature & reasonable way and just beat up some bihari Taxi drivers & get it over with? What is the point in holding an entire nation to ransom?’ Various Sena’s in Mumbai have welcomed this solution from Amar Sigh and offered their services to Wankhede Stadium for this cause.

Lalit Modi has offered to move the matches to South Africa. He also offered his expertise to arrange the same in a day.

Prime Minister’s office has maintained a dogged silence on the issue, but when repeatedly probed by journalists the PM did say this; “I swear, I had no clue on what A.Raja was doing.”

Final comments from Stadium were awaited when we went to press.

In a totally unrelated incident, Kasab’s death sentence was upheld by the court. Kasab however said he would be contesting the judgment in a higher court. He confirmed the reports that he has enrolled in Indira Gandhi Open University for ‘patrachaar’ course in BA LLB and is confident of getting a law degree and fighting his own case in supreme court before there is any consensus in India to hang him. On his confinement to Anda cell he said health, hygiene, food and other conditions there are much better than that at his home in the Faridkot village in Okara District of Punjab, Pakistan and he is looking forward to meet a ‘Raja’ when his case goes to Delhi.

Photo Source: Its Pawar standing there, trying to do a SRK. Do u really care | News Source: Would have told but you already know where this came from. Right!

Consistent Bachchan

Ram Gopal Varma once said this man’s a better actor than his father Amitabh Bachchan. But then Ram Gopal verma also said that ‘Raam gopal verma ki Aag’ was a true tribute to Sholay and that he had no ulterior motive in giving 5 back to back movies to Priyanka Kothari. So lets leave that shmuck aside. Lets about the man himself - Abhishek Bacchan. He's dubbed the Crown Prince of Bollywood. Son of screen legend Amitbah Bachchan, Abhishek has emerged as a major star in his own right and more importantly in his own space, which happens to be right there at the very bottom. Educated in Switzerland and the United States, he entered into acting in his early 20s, and the only known acclaim that he has till date is marrying his wife Aishwarya all on his own.

Small B goes candid with our correspondent from Making News Networks, as he talks about life, gols, squares and straight lines.

MNN: Hello Sir, thanks for accommodating us in your busy schedule.

AB: No No .. No problem at all. Time is all I have .. Well actually a lot of people have that confusion. You see what happens is that on seeing me with dad, mom, Aish, Amarsingh etc people absent mindedly associate a picture of busy schedule with me .. But all I can say is, don’t trust all that you see.

MNN: All right then. To start with, please accept heartiest congratulations from our whole team & entire nation on yet another flop.

AB: Thanks you. What can I say, GOD has been kind.

MNN: So would you like to tell us something about ‘Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Se’. You were very tensed before the release. So how was the entire experience.

AB: O Yes Yes, I was very tensed. You see with my last movie ‘Raavan’ I had a narrow escape. With people line Mani Ratnam, Aishwarya, Vikram and AR Rehman associated with ‘Raavan’ the kind of hype that movie got before release, we were scared to death that it might become a hit. But I guess my past lives good works paid off and it tanked .. It was difficult but we achieved it as a team .. I mean did you even look what we were up against - the budget, people, locations, music, I mean it was so easy to loose focus and give a blockbuster .. But I must give credit to my and my wife’s dedication to lifeless acting that we were able to pull off a flop from those ingredients. From outside it may appear easy but when you have a image to maintain, you have to be totally involved.

MNN: hmm you were saying about ‘Khelien hum..’

AB: Ya post ‘Raavan’ near death experiance, with ‘Khelien hum ..’ we didn’t want to take any chances hence we got Ashutosh Gowarikar as the director. With him around, I mean you can be 50% sure that the final product would be crap. I mean look at his face with that constant ‘I just smelled my own boxers’ look, that alone is good enough to shoo people away from the theater. With ‘Khelien hum ..’ I am sure he has conclusively proven as to who between him & Aamir directed most of ‘Lagaan’ and that if you have have see Ashutosh’s real work you have to watch ‘What’s my Rashee’ and ‘Khelien hum ..’.

MNN: Ok so with Ashutosh around you were relaxed that final movie would be a dud.

AB: No No. Like I said, after Raavan I did not want to take any chances hence after Ashutosh as director we signed Deepika as the female lead .. That sealed it .. I mean the chic is a genius. See to start with, anatomically she barely qualifies as a female lead, you know like waist up & all. And even if you overlook that fact, its almost impossible to get her to act. I mean calling her a female Arjun Rampal would be an understatement. So ya with Ashutosh & Deepika in, I was sure this would be yet another big flop for me .. *looses himself in a trance, then smiles* .. Dad would be proud of me !

MNN: Hmm good planning I must admit. So Abhishek tell our readers, were you always clear that you wanted to become the flop superstar. Did being Amitji & Jaya’s son (that is when we are carrying on with the assumption that you are) not bother you?

AB: I won’t say that this is what I planned when I entered the Industry or it was easy. But it seems everything kept falling in place .. Like I always say, GOD has been kind .. You see from my school days itself am a big fan of zero. The roundness of that shape always fascinated me. Speaking of my liking for roundness, it was only apt that I started my career with Kareena. And I am speaking of that time only when she was most round at all possible places, then of course she spoilt it all but that too with that zero figure n all. So zero kept popping up in my life. Also biggest of them all, looking at my acting skills my first director JP Dutta predicted, that that (zero) was the amount I should consistently see on my paycheck if were to be evaluated on my acting skills .. So point is that the attraction with zero or the bottom was always there and there were enough hints.

MNN: But now that you have mentioned Kareena & JP, ‘Refuge’ did do a decent business. In fact it got you nominated for the best male debut Filmfare.

AB: *Laughs* .. O ya that ! .. Dad I tell you! he always surprises me with such gifts .. But then the good thing about my family is their maturity. When I told Bacchan Sab & Mom that look lets accept it, you have seen me, you’ve seem women I have dated, you have seen my school grades and you have also seen my acting. There is no way I can follow dad and achieve same or more than what he has achieved. So wht don’t I become the Big B of anti-universe and we will have a winner for all worlds right at home. I told them about my dream of being the unprecedented flop superstar of the century, and they were totally supportive. And from there I worked really hard to achieve what I wanted. And it reflects in my work. You see ‘Dhai Akshar Prem Ke’, ‘Tera Jadoo Chal Gaya’, ‘Haan Mene Bhi Pyaar Kiya hai’, ‘Main Prem Ki Deewani hun’, ‘Mumbai Se Aya Mera Dost’ etc they all broke record after record for lowest grosser.

In fact the first real career high moment I achieved was with ‘Naach’. Story goes on first day of the release, Raam Charan shukla the Reel operator at Imax cinemas was allegedly the only one who saw or had to see the first show as he was the one playing it. And then when the Imax management was forcing him to play the second show of ‘Nach’, he allegedly unrolled the film roll from the cassette and hanged himself with the same .. *Silence* .. Well I was touched by the gesture .. It was post that incident that I realized that I had it in me and have been confident of myself since then.

MNN: Ok

AB: Ya I mean when someone shows that kind of confidence in you, you get motivated to work harder. In fact I followed up ‘Naach’ with, ‘Mumbai se Aaya Mera Dost’, ‘Sharaarat’, ‘Phir milenge’ etc. Well I can say that I am satisfied with what I have not achieved.

MNN: Hmm so what went wrong with ‘Bunty Aur Bubly’, ‘Bluff Master’, ‘Sarkar’

AB: Bad choices I would say. But my conscience is clear. Even if you see these movies once you’d know they have been hit due to factors beyond me. I tried hard with my abysmal acting, but you can’t do much when a energetic Rani Mukharjee in Bunty, a winning script in Bluff and my own Dad in Sarkar thwart your effort and make the movie work. It was embarrassing. But what to do. Who said life was bed of roses.

MNN: Who said?

AB: Who said what?

MNN: Who said life was a bed of roses?

AB: I don’t know

MNN: But you said who said?

AB: O that was a rhetorical question.

MNN: Anyways .. bigger thing is we still see you as a hopeless star and refuse to watch any of your movies.

AB: What can I say, I am what I am because of my fans.. Or lack of them.

MNN: So AB would you like to talk on you marriage.

AB: Ya Ya that. Aish was a conscious effort on my part. You see I have been always accused of having the benefit of the having the parents I have. I mean people are mean enuf to say that you had no role whatsoever in your having those parents and I should have some sort of guilt in riding on their good names. So marrying Aish was a slap in their face of my detractors. I mean she is all my effort right. My initiative my work. So now I can leach on her celebrity status for the rest of my life but no one can accuse me that she just fell in my lap. I watered that plant and am now reaping the benefits.

MNN: How have people accepted your marriage?

AB: See I don’t care. I have got on my bed what they had got on their bedroom walls in posters. They should learn to respect me.

MNN: Great .. So any more goals that you have set for yourself in future.

AB: Ya, sometime in future I would like to see at least one, one of my producers shoot himself in the head on first day of release. Am working on it. Only if GOD remains kind I shall see that happen. Do pray for me.

MNN: Amen, we can see you seeing that day. Thanks so much for talking to us. Now if you’ll excuse me, at least I have a life. Thanks & Bye

Photo Source: Do you care? For this.Really?? | News Source: Would have told but you already know where this came from. Right!

The only option is to change sides …

Wrote this piece a year back. Now when I read this in the light of CWG, 2G, Adarsh housing and many such scams or should I say attack on our indifference, this makes so much more sense to me. Noone has changed - neither us who have learned to live on nor those who know no matter what, we would forget and live on. Now if you can, think - what is more appalling, a enemy state sending their trained murderers who carry on a attack on our soil killing more than 170 OR ministers from our own democratically elected government looting the nation to the tunes of more than Rs.170 cr. Who deserves a more stringent punishment. But an even bigger question is who decides?


Shared below is my post dated: 26-11-2009

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The only option is to change sides …

Disclaimer: This is not yet another piece on the 26/11. The main catalyst in pushing me to pen down my thoughts are news channels displaying the vicarious pleasure of reliving the dead and the unending documentaries on Mumbai terror attacks. 

I tuned on to Times Now on 25th nov 2009 evening and it along with all other news channels were flooded with there own versions of a years experience of Mumbai terror attacks. Since then I have come across various news pieces, written comments and documentaries using striking images & videos of the 26/11 attack skillfully woven in a story thread with a background voice trying to drive home the point of how vulnerable we were on that doomed day and contesting if anything has changed between then and now. “ The story of Nariman House” they call it. Followed by more short documentaries about the CST, Taj and the Oberoi Trident attacks. The context, story and narration amongst all is more often than not gripping and you can't help watching the whole story.

It instantly brings back the memories that fateful night on 26th nov 2008 when the average common man - used to the steroid of regular saas-bahu sagas courtesy Ekta, Rahul Mahajans torturous laughter on Big Boss 2, some season of Indian Idol (i’ve lost count), the titillating sexapades of SplitzVilla and Indian cricket teams back to back one day wins against a depleted English side) - was returning home from their days work for a daily doze of trivia on the idiot box. Least had they expected that what would unveil on their TC sets that night would redefine the breaking news they were used to seeing and bring the terror right to their doorsteps. And for more than 2 days from thereon, people across the globe witnessed gun shots, grenade blasts, fires, deaths and survivors.

Today we claim that 26'/11 was not just another tragedy, it was a CHANGE. It redefined and changed the terror coverage from a post carnage reporting to live feeds, changed the definition of breaking news from trivia to topics that mattered, changed the potent threat from cross border terrorism that was restricted to places away from home to ghastly act of unprovoked & unwarranted violence right in your face, changed the face of terror from an unknown turban veiling bearded man to a clean shaven causally dressed boy next door , changed how people were made accountable for loss from passing the buck to action and changed how common man voiced his opinion. 

Well … The above is a perception and in-fact the desired or logical change that should have been an outcome of such an brazen challenge to our existence.

The million dollar question is whether that change ever happened and if it did, did it stay !

A year later we browse through the net, shuffle though news paper pages and navigate through the numerous news channels and we are forced to think at least once, that has there really been a change after what was arguably the biggest attack on our democracy and sense of feeling protected in our homes? Was all or any of the feeling of change and leanings derived post 26/11 real? Is anyone who is responsible or who should be responsible really bothered? And more than anything else have we changed? 

Well i gave it a thought. And from various things that I noticed I personally am little confused on whether even a fraction of all the talks of patriotism, call for accountability, demand for revolutionizing changes in defense & security were anything other than chatter anger and pseudo sense of contribution. 

Look around and this is what you’ll see. People who were made to vacate their office have been brought back in to office when it suited the people in power. Scores of candle lighting Mumbaikars did not even turn to vote to voice then opinion in the very next election that happened the attacks. The MNS with its hate politics acted in ensuring that it weakened Sena and BJP to congress’s advantage and is still going strong with its dividing ways & hate politics without any check. 17 years and 8 crore rupees Mr.Liberahan took to tell us what India already knew. And instead of questioning why those guilty of millions of deaths that resulted of what happened in Ayodha have not been punished, all, which the politicians are debating is why and who leaked the report. Elected members of Indian democracy in Lok Sabha are shamelessly chanting Jai Shree Raam and shouting Allah ho akbar instead of taking us ahead of competing nations in global economy and world political environment. Take any state, any political party, the administration or even the Judiciary, all around you will see inefficiency and corruption. The fact that even after all this we are still a reasonable voice in the global front tell us that the condition may not be bad enough to summarize that we all are alive only for the fact that we are not dead yet, but we must also realize that the scene is not all’s well as well.

Let me go back to the shows that I saw and that prompted me to pen down this piece. The show and various show like that stressed on one question – “ As a citizen of this country, as a common man you were angry on 26/11 2008. One year post the incident - Are you still angry??? ”

Well if you ask me - the average citizen, the common man I believe is too busy to be angry. 



We all I would say are too busy to do anything about the fact that the potential threat to our lives & freedom is still at large and still very real. We are by now used to talking big and then disappear. Little are we concerned to check if anything has been done to amend the flaws which make us weak and vulnerable to the evil intentions outside the borders ( and even inside) waiting to pin us down. Actually if you ask me we don't have an option. The daily battle for earning a suitable livelihood to support the lifestyle we want for us and our loved ones, leaves but no time for caring for our own safety. The country is way back in priority in the long list of our daily needs. The needs depending on individual may vary from the struggle to earn a few rupees to ensure just one meal in a day for hungry mouths that look at him to buying a villa to ensure a hearty vacation once in a year for protected souls looking at him for ensuring their comfort. The bottom line is that a common man does not have time to care if the relevant authorities that he is paying his hard earned money as taxes, are doing their work to ensure that he would live to reap its benefit.

The bitter truth of life is that those sitting at those positions of relevance and those who are & who wish to run the country are aware of this fact that a common man does not have time for even himself, leave alone the time to vent the anger at them and ensuring their accountability on a continuous basis. In fact this is the truth from where they and the ones who attack and kill us time & again derive the strength from. There is a fine line that divides those who suffer and those who take advantage of their indifference to themselves.

An even uglier truth of life is that there is no reason why the situation should ever change. We on the darker side of that fine line would continue to suffer, fight and die and those sitting on the other side would continue to thrive at our cost. 

I guess the way out and possibly the only way out is ….. that we change sides.

Vivek’s marriage is over !

30 October 2010. Yes you heard it right. Believe it or not, while you were sleeping last night the marriage of Vivek Obeys-Rai & Priyanka Halva got over successfully. It was a pretty low key affair with only close relatives & family participated. Truth be told even some important family member’s were missing and there were hired security personnel deployed at all exits to prevent those present from leaving early. Nonetheless the marriage did finally happen. There were varied reactions from friends & fans. The ‘Prince’ club formed by those unfortunate few who saw the movie at theaters during the 1 ½ day it ran on screens across country had a mild celebration and distributed sweets. When contacted the secretary said and we quote – “No no we don’t give a damm that he got married, we are only excited that now that some lady has voluntarily chosen to see the man’s face for major portion of the day his publicity urge may satiate and he may restrain from doing more movies.”

Break in the News.

If you like subtle humor, present day news is not your fodder.

They may be unintentional but they are so obvious on your face, the ha-ha boom kind.

Well there was a time (remember an extinct species - Door Darshan? [link]) when we had proper English speaking news anchors who maintained the same expressionless face whether reporting the news of India completing a successful moon mission or that of our president dying.

Their lips moved to vomit out written text but their face had a constant - ‘We don't give a tiny rat’s ass.’ look. Yet, their impassive and impersonal act of news-reading, on retrospect, is in my opinion a better approach to news anchoring than the impassionate, highly personal and uninhibitedly theatrical modern day newscasters now.

Back then we had news readers and now we have news anchors. (The Job title shit .. umm sorry, shift says it all)

What Men Want !

You may have seen the celluloid version of the other half of  this story on screen where Mel Gibson took us though the complex thought process of the "better half" of the society. Did it ever cross your mind as to why Nancy Mayor did not opt to make ‘What Men Want’ ? Well, if you give it a thought - she would have told the answer i.e ‘Sex’ in say 5 mins – there is nothing else in the male mind to fill up for the rest 80 odd mins of the movie.

So friends, the inability of this topic to make it to the 70mm screen is pretty much the genesis of this post. [PS: Parental guidance advised before reading on.] Well in the full story, what I am trying to do it to make you understand what men want & why men want what they want and also clear a bit of smoke from the ‘Women from Venus’ myth.

State Vs Naxals – Those dying are the same, just that some are wearing “Khaki” and some “Red”

The gruesome act of killing 76 CRPF personnel by the Naxals in Dante-Wada Chhattisgarh, has kind of given a conclusive edge to the school of thoughts that justify use of force to curb the homegrown insurgency. But even in the shadow of such tangible evidence to justify the complete wipe of gun wielding extremists  or the home grown & possibly more adverse form of terrorism, a few including myself are bound to have a ambivalent approach towards such men and the situation as a whole. One might wonder as to why would someone even think twice before supporting use of force to eliminate the extremists who without blinking an eye have taken so many innocent lives over the years, the massacre of 76 CRPF men just being the most recent of their bizarre uncalled for acts. Here I discuss as to why the second thought on such action crossed my mind.

A Tribute to GOD himself – Aeeee Salaaaaa Prabhuji !

This is for all my GenX friends or to ‘Youngistan’ (a term which a out of place looking 50+ Sanjay Dutt & a under ripe Ranbeer Kapoor tried to promote without much success). So, my friends with a heightened sense of selection, who were too snobbish to dismiss courageous attempts at creativity like Rann, Houseful, Wanted, Badmash Company, Kites …. etc as a not noteworthy & Deepika Padokonish feeble shot at movie making - Am outraged on your thinking (well to be honest not as outraged as Rakhi Sawant was when Mikka went too far while checking her Lipstick flavor), so lets rephrase that am upset when such Bollyflicks are equated to an eventuality of an attempted remake of Titanic with KRK & Himesh R as lead. (Depending on the adventurous abilities of your mind you may assume at either of them at the leading end of the mast). Well don’t get me wrong I hate them too but for totally different reasons. Reason simple enough that they dont even come close to my Prabhuji. 

What? Who Prabhuji ??? Well if you really don't know your existence on planet earth till now does not have any meaning? But for now plead mercy for your sins and read on.